"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 22 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.



John-John, We Hardly Knew Ye


He may have ended up in the drink,

but it's hard not to admire John

F. Kennedy Jr.'s camera-ready

ability to mop up the

perpetually besmirched family

reputation. A public life that

took shape with the most famous

salute in TV history (with the

possible exception of Gerald

McRaney's episode-ending

snap-tos on Major Dad during the

Persian Gulf War) ended with a

media spectacle that eclipsed

not only Neil Armstrong's

30-year-old shouldering aside of

Buzz Aldrin but, more important,

Uncle Ted Kennedy's own small

swim for mankind at

Chappaquiddick (an anniversary

that, we now learn, had

attracted a cadre of

third-string reporters to

Martha's Vineyard even before

JFK Jr.'s Bermuda Triangle

routine cleared the runway for

mawkish evacuations and unexpected

advertorial tie-ins). More's the

pity that Ted's excellent

adventure with a woman not his

wife has been forever consigned

to Davy Jones' locker by the

curious timing of the two

accidents. Teddy's ability to

shake off that scandal as if he

had just finished swimming laps

at the Kennedy's Florida

"compound" (the site of another

Ted-related romance gone wrong)

proved you can beat the Kennedy

curse if you drink hard enough —

a lesson the durable senator

apparently failed to pass on to

his nephew. As John-John tended

to limit his escapades to the

occasional nude pose in his

failing magazine (which now

turns out to have been a

universally loved American

Treasure all along), his status

as the least objectionable

Kennedy is likely to remain

intact. Whether his death will

close out public fascination

with the family remains to be

seen. Certainly no one wants to

see the likes of Representative

Patrick Kennedy (Drunkard-Rhode

Island) in the buff, but then

again, there are plenty of

Kennedys to go around. As we

await the inevitable Robert

Maxwell conspiracy theory, we

console ourselves with the

thought that, except for

employees of George, life will

go on.



Last Tuesday, after less than

three months and more than 2,200

posts, the message board

NKGuttersnipeINC — featuring

young women recounting their

sexual experiences with the

artists formerly known as the

New Kids on the Block — shut

down. To get the 411 on the

dopest message board around, we

caught up with Monique, 23, a

recent Georgia Tech industrial

engineering grad, who along with

partner Kea, 22, launched the

site in May and shut it down on

13 July.


How did the NKOTB message
board start?

We had a New Kids mailing list,
which was just innocent information
on the New Kids' solo stuff and
their film careers and what
appearances they were going
to be making. Anyway, some of
the people on the mailing list
started talking raunchy one day,
and it offended some members.
So we made a gutter mailing list,
and then we decided to make it
a message board.

What was the original raunchy talk?

Oh, this girl Avery — and I can't
say if any of this is true — but she
talked about how she had sex with
Donny [Wahlberg]. She said they had
sex during the Magic Summer Tour
in 1990.

And other women followed up
with similar tales?

And men! There was a gay post on
there; this guy claimed to have had
sex with Jordan [Knight]. Again,
I don't know if it was true or not,
but you never know.

Other wacky postings ensued?

This guy came on and said he
was a priest and we all needed
help and we were all going to
hell for what we were doing. That
was pretty wacky. People would ask
crazy questions, like if Jordan
wore a corset. Then there were all
these imposter postings: guys saying
that they were the New Kids and
that we needed to stop, that we
were wrong. But we saw from the IP
postings that they were just other
users pretending to be New Kids.

So assuming most of the posts
were true, which New Kid gets
around the most?

Well, let's see ... it would be
between Donny and Joe [McIntyre].
Actually, it's definitely Joe.
And from what I hear from people
who know them, that's probably
more realistic, anyway.

Who do you know who knows them?

Oh, I have a couple of girlfriends
who are older than me who had sex
with them. One was just like a fan
in the right place at the right time;
the other just knew people who knew

And which New Kids did they score


Both of them?


Have either you or Kea ever been
around that block?

No; we've met Jordan, Joe, and Donny
before, but it was innocent, in fan
settings, like record signings and
stuff. I saw Donny walking down the
street in Boston once.

Who do you like better, Donny or
his brother Mark?

Donny, definitely. From the moment I
first saw them on TV, he caught my
eye. He's that scruffy, dirty type.
Wild. Out of control. He's what I
like to a T.

But did you see Boogie Nights?

Yeah; it's not my favorite movie. But
I am a fan of Mark's. So I'll see his

What about the scene at the end,
where you see his package in
the mirror?

Well, we all know that wasn't real.
But more power to him.

Any word on that aspect of
the New Kids?

Well, the ones packing the most
would be Joe and Jon [Knight].
It never really came out about
the other three. I guess they're
around the same — average
to above-average.

No accusations of smallsies?

No, nobody really dissed them.
It was all pretty positive.


Well, it was madness. It was
getting crazy. Every post after a
certain point just didn't seem
to be true. They were all
these "lovey-dovey" type
instances; they just didn't
seem true. And other boards
were cutting us — it was
just a hassle.

It must be pretty sad to
see your heroes like Jordan
opening up for lame copycats
like 'N Sync and the Backstreet

No, I like 'N Sync and the
Backstreet Boys. Kea's
beginning to like the
Backstreets, too, though not
'N Sync. Once a boys' band
junkie, always a boys' band
junkie. And the New Kids are
doing pretty well: Jordan and
Joe have gone gold already,
and their albums just came out
in March and in May.

Don't you think this Southie
pose of theirs is pretty bogus?
Don't you think they'd get their
asses stomped if they actually
set foot in Southie?

Well, some of them would. But
Donny's legitimately a tough
guy, I think. Or that's what I
heard, anyway, from people who
knew them from Boston. But
it's a gray area.

You're going to Atlanta to
see Lauryn Hill and New York
City to see Ricky Martin. So
you're obviously aware of music
that's come out since 1991.
What's the deal with the NKOTB

You'd be surprised; there's a
lot of NKOTB stuff out there
on the Internet. I still like
their music. They touched a lot
of peoples' lives for different

As has your message board?

It was fun. I met a lot of great
people, 'cause we had a chat
room, too. So I met some great
people. That's what really
sticks in my mind, the
friendships I made.

So you don't have any negative

Well, Kea used to like Joe. But
he didn't have the most positive
posts. He's supposed to be not
nice to people and kind of moody.
So I don't think he's her favorite



It's Jesse "the Body" Ventura

versus Ross "Crazy Old Coot"

Perot. If the media cared more,

we'd be in for a hazardous flood

of unamusing editorial cartoons

portraying the two potted

politicos, mano a mano in the ring,

wrastlin' for the soul of the

Reform Party. That's roughly

akin to fighting for the soul of

the UPN Network or any other

entity eking out a bare shadow

existence, unnoticed by most of

humanity. But there's more at

stake than a name that means

nothing to even many of the

people who voted for it. The

US$12 million in federal funds

"earned" by the so-called party

are at stake during its 23

to 25 July convention in

Michigan. The law of diminishing

returns might lead us to believe

that this gives Ventura the

motivational edge — he needs

that cash more than the cracked

plutocrat. But don't count out

the loyalty of the party

rank-and-file to the

wallet-packing bill payer over

the pistol-packing office

holder. It's ultimately a

sideshow regardless. Ventura's

unprecedented gubernatorial

victory and powerhouse Bob

Smith's defection from the GOP

notwithstanding, third parties

will doubtless be as important

to next year's election as

Nostradamus' apocalyptic




Political science marches on:

The US Department of Commerce's

The National Telecommunications and

Information Administration has

made front page news for

rediscovering that rich people

tend to get new technologies

first. By casting this eternally

recurring pattern in racial

terms, the DOC has created

maximal tut-tutting across the

land, stressing that the

computer adoption gap between

blacks and whites has widened

recently. It doesn't stress that

in percentage terms, computer

use among blacks is growing

faster than that of whites or

the obvious fact that technology

adoption rates have increased

more and more as the century has

worn on. Computer use has spread

much wider and faster than such

fogey technologies as

electricity and the telephone.

Head-shaking news stories

lamenting America's continued

racial divide notwithstanding,

we predict that just as 98

percent of the population now

has a TV, we will all —

black or white, rich or poor,

eventually, and sooner than

later — be together in

perfect harmony, cursing at slow

download times, whether or not

some new Al Gore initiative

comes to our rescue. Then of

course, we'll need to redress

the racial imbalances in

personal cloning or

teleportation. Like the poor,

the Professional Uplifter will

always be with us.

courtesy of the Sucksters

[Purchase the Suck Book here]