Sammy Hagar — Three Lock Box

It's come to this. Who would have thought that a girl like you — bright, funny, attractive — would ever have to sink so low? Yeah, we know, the best ones are all either married or she-males, but does that mean you have to settle for this? It's true, you aren't getting any younger, and the fact that all your friends are settling down certainly doesn't help, but you look almost as good as you did when you were 25 and there must be a few decent single men out there somewhere. If not, there's always masturbation, and you certainly shouldn't rule out dating other women. Obviously it's time for you to reassess your romantic goals, because the fact that you're actually thinking about sleeping with a man who owns this disc clearly shows that you are in a confused, desperate, and profoundly unhealthy state. The only good news is there's absolutely nowhere for you to go from here but up.