Big Bad Voodoo Daddy — Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

What is it with you and frat boys? Are a few nights of unspectacular missionary-style sex followed by a week of unreturned phone calls really all you're looking for? Or is it that you actually want to settle down and spend the rest of your life in a passionless, predictable routine of servitude and submission to this overgrown adolescent's warped sense of priorities? If so, you should be prepared for a long life of profound disappointment and regret. Yes, you will get the 4,000-square-foot house in the 'burbs, the $30,000 SUV, and the 2.5 children you've always dreamed of, but you'll soon find yourself wondering why all these things ever seemed so important.

The first few years will be pleasant enough, but once the kids are in school, the two of you will slowly begin to drift apart. A decade or so of having to put up with his drunken, boorish friends and his even more drunken, boring fucking will just about destroy whatever self-respect and ambition you ever thought you had. Once the kids have fled the nest, your occasional sniping and bickering will turn to bitter hatred and disgust. After his premature death from a myocardial infarction, you will be truly alone and your fecund youth will be but a distant memory. As you burn all his unsellable possessions, you'll come across this disc again and realize that it all could have turned out so much better if only you'd heeded our advice and told him you were gay.

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