S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 2 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 


So you've gone back to his place. He seems nice enough — otherwise you would have told him to drop you off after the fortune cookies — but how do you know he isn't just putting on an act? Emily Post used to recommend a peek through his medicine cabinet, but today's date-smart single women have discovered a more efficient method of sizing up a potential mate. A quick glance through his CD rack can provide the insight you'll need to decide whether you should check your drink for Rohypnol, dig out your diaphragm, or start naming your kids.

Thanks to the inordinately prominent place popular music occupies in modern culture, a man's compact disc collection can reveal a great deal more about him than how questionable his tastes are. In his formative years, he chose his friends based in part on what bands they listened to, and in college, his favorite music provided the soundtrack to many a beer-fueled night of sexual dysfunction. Thus, a man's compact disc purchases can reveal a surprising amount about not only the content of his character but also the contents of his pants.

Deciphering a man's discs is not as simple as it may seem, however. For instance, you'd assume that The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady indicates an educated man with refined tastes and a singular talent for cunnilingus, and you'd be quite correct. However, you might misinterpret Live at Folsom Prison as an obvious sign of a slack-jawed yokel who's hung like a Yeti, when in fact, its owner is a Tic-tac dicked hipster who spends more time talking about music than fucking to it. And while size may not matter in other areas, you'd do well to stay away from any man packing less than seven discs (and we won't even bother to comment on mini-discs).

The following is a primer on the things a man's CDs can reveal about him that he won't tell you himself. Click on your favorite CD for instant analysis.




	
words
David Merline
Mark Dancey
Dan Rice

pictures
Mark Dancey