"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 4 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Everybody talks about Kosovo. But only Suck is doing something about it. Fed up with merely adding our verbal diarrhea to the trough of webzine war correspondence, we've decided to do our part for democracy. Specifically, Chris Bray, the Suckster formerly known as Ambrose Beers, has joined the United States Army. We wish we could say this is a joke, but despite our heartfelt pleas, our patient explanations that we're not fighting the Germans this time around, one of Suck's most reliable and beloved correspondents has decided to become the property of the US government. You may be one of Chris' numerous devotees, in which case cheer him on in his fight for liberty. You may be one of his many detractors, in which case, you longhaired hippie bum, remember that he's fighting like hell for your right to disagree with him. Either way, it's Private Beers from now on.

Uncle Sam is getting a good (though slightly over the hill) soldier. With Beers' analytical skills, grasp of detailed issues, and ability to deliver complex projects on a tight deadline, we have no doubt the Army will soon have him hard at work, painting curbs in Fort Hood, Texas.

We're still hoping our erstwhile crowd-pleaser (or at least, mob-fomenter) may be able to file occasional See Here, Private Hargrove-style humor pieces, filled with tales of barracks hi-jinks, gruff but lovable drill sergeants, and mess hall cut-ups named Kowalski. Of course, we suspect Beers is, in reality, itching for a chance to get into The Shit, and even though the conflict in the Balkans appears to be winding toward some bitterly inconclusive conclusion, it takes only a little armchair generaling to predict that President Clinton and his team of foreign policy comedians will dream up new and pointless half-wars in which Beers, like his Old Gringo namesake, can prove his irascible mettle.


Next ... Taking a toll on the atoll.
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