1. Which of the following do you currently have?

a. power

b. money

c. pussy

d. all of the above

e. none of the above

If you answered "e" above, go on to the next quiz.

If you answered a, b, c, or d, stop lying to yourself and answer the stupid question again.

PRIORITIZING:
A QUICK LESSON

So you don't have the power, the money, or the pussy, and you'd like to figure out where to begin. Is it really necessary to go for the power first, you wonder? Or should you try to get the pussy first or the money first? Read on and find a route to excess, egotism, and misogyny that fits your special needs!

1. Which of the following would you most like to be?

a. the tyrannical king of a very small, very poor island nation

b. the highly unattractive, highly ineffective figurehead of a massive corporation

c. a struggling pimp

d. Hugh Hefner

2. If you were given the choice between a beautiful hooker, a suitcase of cash, or a loaded .38 caliber pistol, which would you choose?

a. The bitch, baby, the bitch! Is she hot?

b. The money, baby. I'd take the money. And buy a bitch with the money.

c. I'd take the gun. Oh, the power and glory of a loaded weapon in the morning! Gives me the shivers just thinking about it.

d. I'd snatch the gun, then grab the suitcase of cash, and force the ho into my Buick Regal. I mean, you own a Buick Regal, you know these things.

3. Which of the following people most appeals to you?

a. Bill Clinton

b. Bill Gates

c. Larry Flynt

d. Tinky Winky

4. If I gave you five bucks right now, what would you buy?

a. 15 tacos at Taco Bell

b. a lottery ticket

c. 1/60 of a share of eBay stock

d. entrance to Crazy Girls, where I'd sweet-talk a lap dance out of the really little one who does the splits so well

ANSWER KEY