So you're a real asshole, a bona fide curmudgeon. But lately you've been feeling ... fresh! Happy. Inspired. Rejuvenated!

Naturally, you're panicked. Are you losing your touch? Have you run out of things to complain about? What'll you complain about to your curmudgeonly loser friends on the phone? More important, what'll you bitch about at weak cocktail parties - besides how weak cocktail parties are? We all know that if you can't say something mean and cutting, you shouldn't open your fat mouth in the first place.

Luckily, with the handy clip-'n'-save chart below, you'll be able to turn every positive, cheery comment into a dreary, vitriolic one in seconds!


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