S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 15 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Scaling Mount Rushmore

When sculptor Gutzon Borglum began work in 1927 on "the formal rendering of the philosophy of our government into granite on a mountain peak," he could have had only an inkling that his real accomplishment would be providing an indestructible theme for every uninspired political cartoonist and ad copy hack in the lower 48. If there's one thing more dependable than political scandals, ill-considered candidacies, and Presidents' Day sales, it's that graphic artists will mark these events by portraying zany travesties of Borglum's great monument in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Like the talking dollar bill and the nagging Statue of Liberty, the wacky Mount Rushmore is a figure of American life more durable than the constitution.


The Happy Presidents Rushmore

Hey, those Presidents weren't such a bunch of stiffs after all! They may look all dignified up there, but the great deals at your local Saturn dealer will have them singing a new tune!


The Sad Presidents Rushmore

A comparative rarity, the Sad Presidents Rushmore is a reliable standby for solemn moments in American life.


The Cool Presidents Rushmore

The real workhorse of the alterna-monuments, the Cool Presidents Rushmore shows that even figures of hard rock can rock hard when they learn to Do the Dew.


The Extra President Rushmore

Longtime exposure to Extra Presidents Rushmore may be the reason eight out of 10 Americans are unable to identify the four Presidents whose likenesses are actually carved into the mountain. For the record, the four are (left to right) George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln. But with the flick of some transgressive cartoonist's pen, they may be joined at any time by Bill Gates or Monica Lewinsky or Courtney Love in the American Fifth Beatle role.


The No Presidents Rushmore

In the tradition of walking by Grant's Tomb when the door is open, the No Presidents Rushmore lets the average American know where he or she needs to be at a particular time.





words
The Sucksters

pictures
Terry Colon