Victoria's Secret is claiming

that between 1.5 million and 2 million

Web users tuned into its online

fashion show held

four days after the Super

Bowl. But for voyeurs whose

tastes have matured beyond the

ogling-Tyra-Banks-in-her-drawers

phase, the live reenactment of

the independent counsel's

narrative at Starr Report Live

has been the only show online.

While producers' claims that the

webcast broke all attendance

records seem somewhat inflated,

the docudrama, with Ron Jeremy

and Nancy Vee in the lead roles,

still managed to attract several

hundred thousand US$5-a-pop

viewers. Primal Entertainment

spokesman Richard Steele gave

Suck the blow-by-blow:

Suck: How many viewers did you

get?

Steele: A couple hundred

thousand.

Suck: A "couple" meaning

200,000?

Steele: We had 200,000 for the

live broadcast, and a few hundred

thousand more have gone to the

site to watch the show since

then.

Suck: Your office is in Redmond.

Are you affiliated with

Microsoft?

Steele: No, but we've done some

contract work for them.

Suck: Was Seth Warshavsky's

Internet Entertainment Group

part of this deal?

Steele: No, Seth has done some

Clinton-related stuff, but he

wasn't part of this.

Suck: The actual Starr narrative

takes place over several months.

How did you depict that in a

50-minute show?

Steele: What we did to show the

different scenes was we would

cut away sometimes to Betty

Currie sitting outside the

office with two secret service

guys. And while we were showing

them for a little bit, that

would give Ron time to get hard

again.

hadn't ejaculated, had he?

Because the Report makes it

clear that the president only

came after several weeks of

hemming and hawing.

Steele: No. He only ejaculated

once in the live version and

then another time a couple hours

after the show.

Suck: Was that second one just

for fun?

Steele: No. For the live show we

taped just what was in the Starr

Report. Then for the video

version we taped what we think

really happened - not just what

was in the Starr Report.

Suck: What do you think really

happened?

Steele: Well, later we had him

really do Monica. And then he

did Betty Currie too.

Suck: That's new information.

Aren't you worried that you

might get subpoenaed?

Steele: No, we're not too

worried about that. Actually,

that might be even better,

because then it would get into

the mainstream press.

Suck: But other than that it was

a faithful reenactment?

Steele: Yeah. At one point,

Nancy Vee had been eating a lot

of pizza, and she threw up

during the oral scene.

Suck: Didn't that ruin the

scene?

Steele: You can't really see it,

because on the live video I was

just panning back from Betty

Currie. And it wasn't really a

big vomit.

Suck: Was that part of the

pizza-on-the-jacket scene from

the Starr Report?

Steele: We had a scene where she

brought in a pizza, but she had

been eating pizza anyway.

Suck: Have you ever thought of

doing webcasts for the overseas

market? For instance, right now,

Malaysia's former Deputy Prime

Minister Anwar Ibrahim is on

trial for multiple counts of

sodomy.

Steele: Really? Wow, we might

have to look into that.

Suck: If Liddy Dole runs for

president, would you consider

doing something on her Viagra

experiments with Bob Dole?

Steele: Sure, yeah!

Suck: Ron Jeremy is quite a bit

hairier than President Clinton.

Did that present any makeup

difficulties?

Steele: We had him wearing a

suit, and we had some spray for

his hair to make it white.

Suck: How did you do the makeup

and costuming for Monica?

Steele: We got Nancy the beret

and the blue dress, and we did

the makeup like Monica. And she

tried gaining a little weight.

She wasn't really as plump as

Monica, but in the last month we

tried to bulk her up a little

bit.

Suck: Did she have the thong

underwear?

Steele: She actually didn't have

any underwear. She just got down

to business.... There were some

oversights in the show, but

mostly it was pretty accurate.

Suck: Was it hard to build the

Oval Office set?

Steele: The oval part was hard

to make, but we had the desk and

the window in the background.

Suck: Could you see the

Washington Monument out the

window?

Steele: We had the window

closed, because we figured

Clinton and Monica probably had

the drapes closed.

This weekend, Peanuts creator

Charles Schulz greeted a revival

of his 1967 show You're a Good

Man, Charlie Brown with an

anxious cry of "Good grief!" The

new show features a black

Schroeder and former M.

Butterfly B. D. Wong as an Asian

Linus. The cartoonist - famously

protective of his creations -

suspected that the producers had

yanked away the football of

intellectual property in the

name of political correctness.

To his credit, Schulz relented

after the director convinced him

the casting decisions were not

part of some Joseph Papp-type

deconstruction of his book. "So

I said, 'Well, if that's what

they're going to do, all

right,'" he told the Santa Rosa

Press-Democrat. "As long as

they're not doing it just to

show us how wonderfully liberal

they are - 'Oh, look at us, what

we're doing to this thing!' I

said that's just foolishness."

Frankly, though, if this was an

experiment in Broadway identity

politics, it was a remarkably

wishy-washy one. The elimination

of Peppermint Patty (who made

her debut in the 1967 staging)

squanders another chance to give

kids a positive gay role model,

while the continuing neglect of

Pig Pen ignores America's

ongoing class conflicts. And if

they really wanted to get some

color into the cast, why not

just do what Schulz himself did

in 1968 and introduce Franklin

into the Peanuts gang? When it

comes time for Tony nominations,

we'll still be rooting for the

off-off-off-Broadway production

of Ray Billingsley's Curtis.

Speaking of awards, we should be

weighing in on the Oscars, but

at this late date, as the

breathless boosters and self-styled

skeptics offer up cheers and

jeers of roughly equal banality,

we prefer to sit back and let

the true aficionados carry the

debate about cinema and its many

discontents.

Finally, you may have heard the

news that Suck is now being

encouraged to come clean about

our secret fondness for the USA

Network's Westminster Kennel Dog

Show, not to mention classic Star

Trek on the Sci-Fi Channel.

While we welcome any and all

correspondence, when

sending along japes about

the dating habits of our

corporate parents, please be aware

that we have probably heard whatever Home

Shopping Network joke you've got

up your sleeve. To anyone who

accuses us of selling out, we

remind you that selling out was

Suck's whole purpose to begin

with. To everyone else, we say:

Take heart. Ground down to

Willy Loman-of-the-Web status

by our own e-commerce efforts,

we're encouraged to see signs of

astuteness from the Jolly Green

Giants who give us shelter.

Whether this means that we'll

soon have items of actual value

to sell you, we can't say, but

please remember that individual

Sucksters are always for sale in

a special limited edition. Act

now!