SEASON'S BEATINGS

THE "AMATEUR COOK" THANKSGIVING They don't know what they're doing. You can tell that from the minute you walk in the door. So you take your bottle of wine into the living room and resolve to get drunk and watch football - anything to avoid witnessing the carnage in the other room. Luckily, such amateur-cook events often include the passing of a holiday, pre-meal joint, rendering all the food magically delicious in seconds.


    


THE "TOO WARM" THANKSGIVING

We all make the same mistake at one point or another: "Forget tradition! Let's go to Hawaii for Thanksgiving this year!" And it's all fine until the actual day rolls around, and you're sitting there in your Bermuda shorts, eating lame turkey and stale dinner rolls at the hotel restaurant. An unforeseen, incomprehensible, unavoidable, slow, sinking feeling ensues, and what do you wish for, more than anything? Bitter cold weather. Go figure.


    


THE "MISSING CRUCIAL ITEMS" THANKSGIVING

You're at your girlfriend's parents' house, and everything is going according to plan. There are the mashed potatoes, cooked to perfection. There's the turkey, golden brown and lovely. Why, there's even cranberry sauce - exactly the kind you like! Thank God you left it up to a professional mother this year, you're thinking. Hell, you're not even bothered by the fact that someone brought a Lord of the Dance tape. And then it happens....


    


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