"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 13 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.





[confidential to Jeff Sparks: the alt tags will return.  i just a little more time and some inspiration.  both await me around the corner.]

Too rich, too thin: These are the things your grandma claimed you could never be. But honestly, you say, what does she know? When she keeled, they had to call in a crane to haul her carcass out of bed, and you were the one left holding the bill. No, for advice on handling excesses of the finer things in life, it's better to seek counsel from the current crop of celebrity gainers, whose wisdom in handling problematic windfalls may serve as inspiration to us all.

Take Trey Parker and Matt Stone, for instance, who last February launched a grassroots boycott campaign against the fine editorialists at Spin magazine, calling them "nothing more than a cheap Rolling Stone wannabe." Spin's crime? Publishing an unauthorized cover story on the diffident duo's TV moneymaker. Six months later, Spin editor Michael Hirschorn is apologizing to his readers for a few nominally disparaging words - "sellout," "bitch," and "killer" (nothing we haven't implied and retracted ourselves many times before) - they'd attached to Courtney Love during her recent turn on the magazine's cover. And just a few weeks ago, we were treated to the spectacle of Lauryn Hill harshing on Vibe magazine for its unauthorized cover story, which appeared on the stands mere weeks before the exclusive cover she'd promised The Source.

What all of these superstars know and what all of us must learn is that sometimes too much is actually too much. You can be too rich or too thin or have too much publicity, mind-blowing sex, or high-grade cocaine. Your car can be too fast, you can win too many Nobel prizes, and your penis can be too big. There's no reason to learn these enduring life lessons the hard way. Others have come this way before, and knowledge resides in their footprints.

Next ... So Many Roles, So Little Tom

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