S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 3 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The Work of the People

 

[]


Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas) will
be inducted this evening into
the Newspaper Carrier Hall of
Fame.... In 1996, this former
newspaper carrier championed
through Congress an amendment
to the Small Business Job
Protection Act that preserved
the ability of newspaper
carriers to operate freely as
independent businesspeople.

- Newspaper Association of
America press release, 10/98

 

The Girl Scouting Council of the

United States is proud to

announce a celebration honoring

US Representative Helen

Chenowith, during which the

Idaho Republican will be

admitted into the Scouting Hall

of Honor. Although Chenowith has

never actually been a Girl

Scout, nor has she ever

participated in the

organization's door-to-door

cookie sales, she's been a

self-described "addict of those

delicious thin mints" for three

decades. Chenowith also

introduced a bill last year to

prevent fortune-cookie companies

from including nonfortune

material, such as jokes and

riddles, in their products.

 

[]

"Selling hundreds of greeting

cards for valuable prizes is no

mean feat," said the Honorable

Lindsey Graham (R-South

Carolina). He should know! Back

in 1965, in the tiny South

Carolina hamlet of Central,

10-year-old Lindsey redeemed

sales of 340 humorous get-well

cards for a replica confederate

army cap and a rubber bowie

knife. Hallmark will honor

Graham later this year by

commissioning an embossed and

glittery portrait of the

congressman for the

International Greeting Card

Museum. Graham has been a

longtime opponent of generic

postcards and blank stationery.

And he's not too excited about

recycled paper, either.

 

[]

Short days and cool nights augur

the arrival of beautiful fall

foliage. But autumn is also

historically a busy time, what

with all the raking to be done.

The American Leaf Blowers

Association hopes to bring more

attention to the latest in lawn

care and clean-up technologies

by honoring Congressman James

Sensenbrenner (R-Wisconsin) as a

charter member of its newly

created Gold Leaf Club. In his

hometown of Milwaukee,

Sensebrenner is remembered for

his fine work as a three-term

member of the US House of

Representatives. But there are

more than a few of his

constituents old enough to

remember his skillful work with

a rake. Although he's never

owned a leaf blower, the ALBA

will make sure he receives one

as a part of this unique honor.

Sensebrenner has also used his

position of public trust to

selflessly endorse the virtues

of Glad brand garbage bags.

 

What do mail carriers, emergency

personnel, and encyclopedia

vendors have in common? They all

appreciate the value of

easy-to-read house numbers

painted on curbs by enterprising

young Americans. That's why

Valspar Paints pays tribute

Wednesday to Ed Pease

(R-Indiana), who, as a high

school student in Terre Haute,

spent a summer painting curbs.

Pease will be immortalized with

a permanent star on the National

Curb Painter's Walk of Fame,

with additional signage clearly

visible from the street and

opposite sidewalk. In addition

to his own storied "summer in

the gutter," Congressman Pease

was instrumental in blocking

legislation that would have

removed toluene and other

dangerous but crucial inhalants

from high-quality exterior

paints.

 

If there's anything more

important than the Rule of Law,

it's keeping your lawn tidy.

Recognizing this great American

truism, Lawn-Boy and Toro have

joined forces to honor

Congressman Jim Ramstad

(R-Minnesota) for his patriotic

service. He'll be honored in a

ceremony dubbing him "Honorary

Knight of the Immaculate Lawn."

He'll also receive the familiar

Sceptre of the Lawn Master, a

prestigious gas-powered weed

eater. As a young man, Ramstad

provided reliable landscape

maintenance to six clients in

Wayzata, Minnesota. Against

great political pressure and the

threat of domestic terrorism,

Ramstad more recently fought to

overturn the background check

and five-day waiting period

proposed for Americans

attempting to buy Miracle-Gro.

 

[]

Although a leash is snapped onto

the collar of an American dog

every 30 seconds, few Americans

understand or appreciate the

real service performed by young

dog walkers across the country

each day. Representative Mary

Bono (R-California) hopes to

change all that, by accepting

the mantel of the Alpo Dog

Walker of the Year. Although

it's been years since a youthful

Mary (nee Whitaker) earned extra

spending money walking two

springer spaniels and a

Dalmation in her family's

suburban Cleveland neighborhood,

she says she treasures those

"golden years of opportunity."

In support of a proposal by

Alpo's Pooper-Scooper division,

the congresswoman has encouraged

ratification of a federal "stoop

and scoop" law.




courtesy of Not Bruce McCall
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 





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