"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 7 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Filler 10.07.98


Virtually Fabulous

Dear Polly,

As a member of America's Most Oppressed Minority (other than the overweight, whom I'm informed we get to despise for another eight months), I demand that you milk the virtual thread another week to add in all the "fabulous" homosexual possibilities.

Steven Fought


The perfect gift for all those pesky gay friends who just can't turn the volume down!

Voice-activated, it responds to each stifled giggle, each over-solemn pronouncement, each provocative glance. Responses are teasingly insulting yet supportive, so that your fabulous friends can continue to babble on endlessly without requiring constant attention, thereby freeing up your time for more important things... like Wakefield buffet tables, or big, huge, gigantic Germans with big, huge, gigantic penises!

The Virtual Friend has five appropriate modes: Disbelieving, Disapproving, Disenchanted, Fabulous, and Horn Doggy Dog.


  • Oh my god, you didn't. Shut up!
  • That is soooo surreal.
  • Oh, you are sooo bad.
  • You are sooo naughty! I never knew how naughty you were.
  • Your boyfriend is so five minutes ago.
  • Well, I guess now we know what happened to Baby Jane.
  • Oh god, stay away from me. I am having a bad day, okay?
  • Okay, I know I'm being a bitch, but you have to shut up right now. I'm not in the mood.
  • I'm going home. I can't - I have a lot on my mind right now.
  • You're too precious, I love you!
  • You'd better step off, baby, because tonight is my night to shine!
Horn Doggy Dog
  • Italian boys love me. I'm serious.
  • You should have seen the package FedEx sent me last night!
  • Doesn't he remind you of Jimmy Smits? He's kind of swaggeringly hot like that.

Thanks to Steven Fought and Tyler Curtain for suggestions.

Next ... What's your class background?

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