"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 6 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Flesh Trade


Let's face it: Passing on the Hyde story was probably the second-biggest mistake Suck ever made. But how were we to know that the positive consequence of such a decision would trivialize the inevitable black faxes, bomb threats, and repeated phone calls from Howard Kurtz? We're speaking of course about Salon's alleged 400,000 new users. We're extremely envious, and we're determined not to make the same mistake twice. Indeed, now that Larry Flynt has set the stage for a cash grab of epic proportions, we're eager to get in on the action, too.

That's right: If you've had Starr-defined sexual relations with any current, high-ranking government official, then we're ready to write a check for your exclusive story. Of course, we feel it's our journalistic duty to point out that Flynt's publicity-inspired offer of US$1 million is as overinflated as Wendy Whoppers. This is, after all, a buyer's market. There are roughly 600 craven, sex-crazed members of Congress and the Senate. If each of them has averaged only 20 adulterous lovers (a rather conservative estimate, given Clinton's personal estimate of "hundreds"), then there are still over 10,000 pairs of potential loose lips out there.

To arrive at a more accurate valuation of what specific tales of Congressional ardor are worth, we've been surveying dozens of pimps, Hollywood agents, Wall Street traders, telepsychics, and bartenders over the last week. The fruits of our efforts are summarized in the following chart: While it is by no means comprehensive, it does provide a handy "snapshot" of what the market will currently bear. Please note that all examples are hypothetical and that no fee quotations are in any way "guaranteed." If you have a story that you think we'll find interesting, simply drop us a note, and we'll commence negotiations.


courtesy of the Sucksters