THE VIRTUAL BOYFRIEND!

The perfect gift for all those irksome girls who aren't even sleeping with you, but still demand that you patiently listen to their endless prattle like some kind of a sucker.


Voice-activated, it responds to each shocking revelation, each teary-eyed confession, each vaguely dissatisfied rambling monolog. Responses are soothing and intimate, so that your troubled girl pals can continue to babble on endlessly about the minutiae of their stupid girl minds without requiring constant attention, thereby freeing up your time for more important things, like pretending to listen to women who might actually fuck you!

The Virtual Boyfriend has four appropriate modes: Vaguely Understanding, Horn Dog, Not-So-Subtley Attempting to Change the Subject, and Downshifting.

Vaguely Understanding

  • Oh, baby. Don't feel bad.
  • Don't cry, sweetheart. I hate seeing you cry.
  • That does sound frustrating, peanut.

Horn Dog

  • Why would she say that? She must not notice how incredibly fine you are.
  • How could you be so sad, with an ass like that?
  • Oh, poor, frustrated peanut. Come sit on my lap. Take off those restricting shorts first.

Not-So-Subtley Attempting to Change the Subject

  • Well, I guess we'll see what happens. Oh! Time for Sportscenter.
  • Yeah, that's a drag. Want another beer?
  • Good night!

Downshifting

  • I don't really want a girlfriend right now.
  • I object to marriage on a philosophical level, actually.




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