THE VIRTUAL BOYFRIEND!
The perfect gift for all those irksome girls who aren't even sleeping with
you, but still demand that you patiently listen to their endless prattle
like some kind of a sucker.
Voice-activated, it responds to each shocking revelation, each teary-eyed
confession, each vaguely dissatisfied rambling monolog. Responses are
soothing and intimate, so that your troubled girl pals can continue to
babble on endlessly about the minutiae of their stupid girl minds without
requiring constant attention, thereby freeing up your time for more
important things, like pretending to listen to women who might actually
The Virtual Boyfriend has four appropriate modes: Vaguely Understanding, Horn
Dog, Not-So-Subtley Attempting to Change the Subject, and Downshifting.
- Oh, baby. Don't feel bad.
- Don't cry, sweetheart. I hate seeing you cry.
- That does sound frustrating, peanut.
- Why would she say that? She must not notice how incredibly fine you are.
- How could you be so sad, with an ass like that?
- Oh, poor, frustrated peanut. Come sit on my lap. Take off those restricting shorts first.
Not-So-Subtley Attempting to Change the Subject
- Well, I guess we'll see what happens. Oh! Time for Sportscenter.
- Yeah, that's a drag. Want another beer?
- Good night!
- I don't really want a girlfriend right now.
- I object to marriage on a philosophical level, actually.
Next ... You guessed it!