In last week's Filler, you introduce a female Virtual Friend,
but not a male one. Do you really expect us guys to enjoy the company of
virtual friends who say things like "God! I'm getting all teary-eyed just
thinking about it"? Come off it!
THE VIRTUAL BUDDY!
The perfect gift for all those irksome guys who can't stop vaguely alluding
to their stupid problems!
Voice-activated, it responds to each repressed emotion, each mystifying
pronouncement, each sudden outburst. Responses are terse and macho, so that
your troubled buddies can continue to babble on incomprehensibly without
requiring constant attention, thereby freeing up your time for more
important things, like masturbation or chili-cheese fries!
The Virtual Buddy has six appropriate modes: Vaguely Understanding, Vaguely
Sympathetic, Disbelieving, Vaguely Misogynistic, Redirecting, and Vaguely
- No way.
- You've got to be fucking kidding me.
- You're fucking with me, right?
- She's got a huge ass anyway, man. I didn't mention that before, but the girl's got a massive can. That ain't back, that's FAT back.
- Wow, that's harsh. Hey, did you see McGwire's homer? It was, like, 500 feet, no shit....
- Bummer. Man, I took the hugest dump today, you wouldn't believe.
Next ... The virtual boyfriend!