S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 16 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Filler 9.16.98

Dear Polly,

In last week's Filler, you introduce a female Virtual Friend, but not a male one. Do you really expect us guys to enjoy the company of virtual friends who say things like "God! I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it"? Come off it!

Greg Carter
<gc@cachemag.com>


THE VIRTUAL BUDDY!

The perfect gift for all those irksome guys who can't stop vaguely alluding to their stupid problems!


Voice-activated, it responds to each repressed emotion, each mystifying pronouncement, each sudden outburst. Responses are terse and macho, so that your troubled buddies can continue to babble on incomprehensibly without requiring constant attention, thereby freeing up your time for more important things, like masturbation or chili-cheese fries!

The Virtual Buddy has six appropriate modes: Vaguely Understanding, Vaguely Sympathetic, Disbelieving, Vaguely Misogynistic, Redirecting, and Vaguely Supportive.

Vaguely Understanding

  • Dude.
  • That sucks.

Vaguely Sympathetic

  • Been there.

Disbelieving

  • No way.
  • You've got to be fucking kidding me.
  • You're fucking with me, right?

Vaguely Misogynistic

  • Bitch.
  • Cunt.
  • She's got a huge ass anyway, man. I didn't mention that before, but the girl's got a massive can. That ain't back, that's FAT back.

Redirecting

  • Wow, that's harsh. Hey, did you see McGwire's homer? It was, like, 500 feet, no shit....
  • Bummer. Man, I took the hugest dump today, you wouldn't believe.

Vaguely Supportive

  • You da man!
  • 'S all good.


Next ... The virtual boyfriend!

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