Sure, we all have to take shitty jobs now and then. Just keep in mind that no two crappy jobs are created equal.

Gap Mouseketeer

  • Co-workers are cheery, young, upbeat.
  • There's probably an Orange Julius a few feet away.


  • Co-workers are cheery, young, upbeat.
  • On Gap wages, you can only afford a child-sized Julius.

Job Requirements:

  • Being able to tell which are the south, north, and east walls without a compass
  • Maintaining a cheerleader-like demeanor through endless hours of folding, straightening, and tweaking
  • Dancing to "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" eight times a day with your lobotomized coworkers

Managerial Mantra: "Gap shoplifters are the highest trained professionals in the mall. Never underestimate them."

Definite Sign of Mental Instability: You enjoy this job and genuinely like the people you work with.

Executive Secretary

  • You can see how the other half lives.
  • You get to sit down for most of the day.
  • Sometimes your boss will let you drive his Lexus.


  • You'll drive that Lexus all right - from the street outside to the parking lot.

Job Requirements:

  • Keeping a self-centered, thoroughly repugnant misogynist satisfied at all times
  • Whiting-out your boss' name on gift and restaurant invoices so he can approve his own personal expenses
  • Maintaining a cheerleader-like demeanor, even while crying silently to yourself over how pathetic you've become

Managerial Mantra: "Just figure it out, OK? I don't have time for this."

Definite Sign of Mental Instability: You no longer shudder when you hear your boss' voice.

Hippie Grocery Stock Person

  • You'll learn that the toxins and carcinogens in the foods you usually eat should kill you within the next hour or so.


  • After a few days of getting up at 5 a.m. to lug around 50-pound bags of basmati rice, you'll be welcoming death like an old friend.

Job Requirements:

  • Taking orders from aging hippies who, despite their positivity-speak, are still outraged over the fact that they have to work for a living
  • Tuning out the din of the jangly-bracelet-wearing, lactose-intolerant, Candida-stricken customers milling about at all times

Managerial Mantra: "Keep an eye on the Loveburgers. They just fly out of here."

Definite Sign of Mental Instability: Your new, all-organic, toxin-free grocery bill is bigger than your paycheck.

Technical Writer

  • You always wanted to be a writer, right?!


  • You're writing about the 12 steps Bank of America tellers should take when handling large-currency transactions
  • Your colleagues are the kinds of people who diagram complicated sentences for fun in their spare time

Job Requirements:

  • Learning mind-numbingly dull things, and then teaching them to people even stupider than you are
  • Maintaining an attention to detail - detail so detailed you'll want to tear your hair out every few seconds

Managerial Mantra: "I want those four bullet points on letters of credit to be perfectly clear and concise. Spend a few more hours reworking them until they're exactly right."

Definite Sign of Mental Instability: You took real pride in your work on the Copier Safety Awareness Self-Study.

Next ... More low-level jobs to avoid!

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