Too Many Words, Not Enough Sticks or Stones

Somewhat disappointingly, The Jerry Springer Show doesn't allow bloodshed and other graver injuries: Guests push, slap, pull hair, and adminster the occasional headlock, but very few truly devastating blows are ever landed, and the show's phalanx of off-duty Aryans intervene so quickly it's arguably unprofessional. While lawsuit considerations undoubtedly make higher-impact thrashings problematic, it's time to start innovating:

Winner Takes Lying, Cheating, Unemployed Asshole

Too often the show's violence is incidental to the relationship choices the guests ultimately make. That bandy-legged truckstop slut might win every round of her stage match with the pregnant, hatchet-faced ball-and-chain, but the latter's monosyllabic skank-chasing hubby is just as likely to go back to her anyway. As a result, the show's fights aren't nearly as face-scratchingly furious as they could be. Reward the victor with the man she's actually fighting over, regardless of his personal feelings, and these battles would be charged with a new urgency.


The Jerry Springer Show - Sumo Edition!

In addition to completely destroying the jolly-fat-person myth once and for all, the choleric tubbies who comprise a disproportionate percentage of Jerry's guests are natural-born sumo wrestlers. Put them in diapers, then stand back and watch ratings skyrocket as bellies collide.


Inter-Talkshow Guest Loan

Despite their alarming combat-readiness, most guests on The Jerry Springer Show are wusses - they throw feeble, looping punches, they claw at shoulders instead of throats, they kick less often than William S. Burroughs in Tangier. What's clearly needed is the presence of a few battle-scarred gladiators who can teach Springer's timid tail-turners the finer points of talkshow barbarism. Recommended mentors: John McLaughlin, Geraldo, Laura Ingraham.


Next... The Show Remains the Same

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