AEROBO COP

 

Wants: Less than 2 percent body fat.

Needs: A cheeseburger, fries, and a large strawberry shake.

Mainly Concentrating On: Whether that bulge under your shirt is your highly developed abs or the beginnings of a pot belly.

Benefits: You can't look at her body without thinking about sex.

Drawbacks: She can't look at her body without tallying her total grams of fat for the day. Also: Listens to Mariah Carey. Uses the word "psyched" frequently.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She watches those cheerleading competitions on ESPN 2.



LADY NEUROTICA

 

Wants: For you to get your shit together for once.

Needs: Seven years in Tibet.

Mainly Concentrating On: How dirty your socks are, how your drink is making a ring on your coffee table, and how she should probably wash her hands since she petted a dog on the way over.

Benefits: Sharp. Intense. Will organize your life far better than a Dayplanner. Will occasionally get fed up and clean your toilet and/or wash your dishes.

Drawbacks: At some point, you might have to live with her.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She hasn't done her laundry in two months.



THE ACTRESS

 

Wants: To be on the cover of People magazine within two years.

Needs: A smack upside the head.

Mainly Concentrating On: Describing her latest audition, at which one of the casting people told her she was "incredibly sexy," which made her totally blush!

Benefits: Charming. Enthusiastic. Affectionate. Multi-orgasmic. Expressive.

Drawbacks: One word: Acting.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: The "casting person" she referred to was actually the casting director's 15-year-old piss boy.



MS. DEPRESSED

 

Wants: To think of one thing that's worth doing.

Needs: To work out, drink more coffee, watch more TV, and read more - i.e., stop thinking.

Mainly Concentrating On: How horrible she feels for bogging you down with her bad moods again and how insecure she is that one day you'll just up and leave and never look back.

Benefits: Lays around in bed a lot. Extremely smart. Makes you feel absolutely carefree by comparison.

Drawbacks: Tremendously self-involved. Beyond tedious. Just an all-around pain in the ass.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Keep acting as her therapist, and you'll find out more secrets than you ever wanted to know.

Next ... Men to avoid!

 
 
 
 
 
 
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