WOMEN TO AVOID!

These women might seem harmless enough at first, but inevitably they'll bring out your homicidal side. Avoid them or endure a life of misery.

FASHION VICTIM

Wants: A really hot guy who knows how to dress.

Needs: To explore her victimization by the fashion industry through years of intense therapy.

Mainly Concentrating On: Keeping her makeup "dewy" without looking too "shiny" or too "matte."

Benefits: Entertaining! Talks about shopping like it's a challenge akin to climbing Mount Everest, featuring desperate, terrifying setbacks and exhilarating victories.

Drawbacks: There's no chance she'll run out of oxygen or freeze to death.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: When she was 10, she wore tennis shoes from Pic-n-Pay called "Terry Tigers."

THE GRIPER

Wants: Anyone who can appreciate just how miserable certain horrible people are making her.

Needs: Friends who don't believe in providing Unconditional Positive Regard like her therapist does.

Mainly Concentrating On: Recounting all the trauma and disillusionment of the day.

Benefits: Good storyteller. Can draw insightful conclusions about people's behavior, particularly if they seem vain, overly ambitious, shallow, or manipulative.

Drawbacks: Good fault-finder. Can draw intensely negative conclusions about your behavior, particularly if you have the slightest semblance of an ego.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Films music videos in her head, in which she's the striking-yet-melancholy star.

THE PROFESSIONAL

Wants: To realize her ambition in a more proactive manner.

Needs: To lose that Kathie Lee Gifford demeanor and act like a human being.

Mainly Concentrating On: Presenting a sharp, polished, professional image - which mostly means keeping her hair lacquered and her suit lint-free.

Benefits: She's rolling in cash, and her Effectiveness Seminar pointed to "generosity" as an area that needs improvement, so she might share some of her cash with you.

Drawbacks: She hasn't had a spontaneous, unguarded, original thought in over a decade.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She once forgot her pumps and had to attend an important meeting in the Reebok cross-trainers she power-walks to work in.

Next ... More women to avoid.