"I only watch the Super Bowl for the ads": Not since the days when "I only read Playboy for the articles" could still be unsmirkingly uttered by non-comedians have so many been so deluded, so vocally, so needlessly. As 10 o'clock news reports across the nation iterated and reiterated last Sunday night (typically from around 10:20 to 10:26), a full 7 percent of the game's viewing audience chose to knowingly reaffirm this cliché. Then they showed the highlights. One can't help but be impressed by the savvy, calculated obliviousness of this pose - this dismissal of the curious fact that in Spring 1998, bigger ad campaign debuts, more spectacularly forgettable special effects, and more swineskin-deflatingly tall dollars (measured per 15-second increment, natch) can be found weekly on the same station every Thursday evening.
No, though the price tags, gross revenues, and gimmicks of the Super Bowl ad revue may have made for nice lead-ins to local news fluffjobs and New York Times features, we all knew the real reason to watch the Super Bowl was, of course, the Super Bowl. The ads were just a welcome distraction between plays, offering an alternative to more theorizing on our Commander-in-Chief's magic shillelagh and/or frantically scrubbing beer/vomit/bongwater off the carpet. Unlike the rest of you, though, we at Suck get paid to be deluded, distracted, vocally, needlessly. It's our job to be savvy, calculated, oblivious. And, so, we present our readings of the ads of Super Bowl XXXII - just in case you were paying too much attention to the play to miss the point on cue the first time around.
Next ...Kid-tested, mother-approved