We think that we shall never see

a more apt means of fatality.

Other than giving UB40 a hit,

Sonny Bono's most significant

legacy is a truly crummy

environmental record. So when a

copycat-killer tree took him out

this week, just days after its

cousin gave the world another

dead Kennedy, it seemed like a

revenge killing. The wisdom of

playing chicken (or for that

matter tackle football) with a

rooted object aside, the next

political hot potato looks to be

lift tickets, as Capitol Hill

families decide to vacation

someplace safe and warm, like

Death Valley. But somebody has

to take the rap, and we bet

it'll be those damned, murderous

trees - lurking among us

everywhere, looking innocent and

green, concealing the mayhem in

their trunks. And they have

something to do with rings,

right? That's about all it takes

to invoke RICO. A bipartisan

clear-cutting initiative should

speed through Congress like a

kamikaze through fresh powder.

Speaking of woodies and their

aftermath, it seems the

Canadians are once again way

ahead of Americans, at least in

the downward mobility

department. Over the past 20

years alone, it seems, there has

been a dramatic decline in the

proportion of male births in

Canada. Said decline is being

blamed on (among other things)

pesticides and other hormone

disrupters, but couldn't this

simply be another misguided

Canadian attempt to outdo us?

The Canucks should take a tip

instead from the Welsh town of

Caerphilly, which, during a

10-year study completed

recently, proved that more sex

equals less death, or something

like that. The wording of the

report, published in the British

Medical Journal, included the

suggestion that "Intervention

programmes could also be

considered, perhaps based on the

exciting 'At least five a day'

campaign aimed at increasing

fruit and vegetable

consumption." Priapism: the

other white meat?

While Washington and Tehran deny

all reports of a possible thaw

in relations, facts on the

ground indicate Americans and

Iranians are already growing

closer together. Convicted of

blinding a co-worker in a fight

over "less than 25 cents," Vahid

Abdollahi has been sentenced in

Tehran to have his eyes put out.

Just the sort of thing those

Koran-thumping hotheads would

do, you may say. Only problem:

No doctors in Iran are willing

to do the necessary procedure.

Since America already has a

surplus of mad doctors (with a

substantial fan base), isn't

this a nice chance for us to

show our Persian pals what

Médecins sans

Frontières is all about?

Americans may be squeamish on

other matters, but we've got

just the man for this job. And

while it's not quite Dr. Death's

preferred surgery, he could

certainly be convinced to do the

procedure on the basis of

scientific experimentation (at

the very least, he could

convince Abdollahi the world

isn't worth looking at anyway).

Failing that, the ABA might lend

its support to a resolution of

the case through an all-American

out-of-court settlement (though

they ought to fine Abdollahi the

full quarter, what with pain and

suffering and all).