S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 2 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 

 
In 1998 ...
 

Rosalba Nuñez of Nueva Loja, Ecuador, becomes the first of many children around the world to receive a visitation from Princess Diana. A Felliniesque media circus ensues. Time notes the zaniness in its Di-ploitation watch. Nuñez, 11, relays Diana's annunciation to Pope John Paul II, who weeps bitterly and orders the information locked in a papal safe, but not before Vatican sources leak news that this is not the usual Armageddon prediction, but word that Frank Sinatra may live another year after all. Not knowing whether to shit or wind his watch, Walter Isaacson rushes Time's all-new "Old Blue Eyes" commemorative issue into print. Meanwhile, there are guilty feelings all around when it's revealed that Mother Teresa has also been appearing to children with her own message, but that her Q rating trails Diana's in eternal life as it did in death. Soul-searching ensues. Time runs a Charles Krauthammer column wondering where our priorities are. At a special summit meeting, Frank Sinatra tells former President Reagan of his plan to give those spats a belt in the mouth as soon as the Chinaman shows up. "Well, they're all potatoes," Reagan replies.

 

 

courtesy of the Sucksters