AT THE BOOKSTORE:

All it takes is a single, simple word to relegate a book to the asspit of every bookstore nationwide: "Internet." Sadly, that word was included in bold type on the cover of our sordid, little experiment. Sure, there were other words: media, pop culture, and other various meaningless little signposts deliberately placed to stifle this very shelving impulse. They didn't work, and now you have to, because an action-fax to every bookseller in the country, urging them to refile Suck, is as likely as a Christmas Eve screening of Gummo on Nickelodeon. Roll up your shirtsleeves, kids, and pay attention to the three basic strategies of refiling quality paperback literature, in increasing order of difficulty.

STRATEGY #1: The Simple Move

 

We call it simple because it is. Keeping your head low, venture into the computer section of your favorite chain outlet and grab all copies of Suck. Don't be alarmed by the presence of nearby patrons or passersby, they'll be far too engrossed by their ActiveX Companions to care. Repositioning can be a tricky proposition: humor, media, new nonfiction, graphic novels? Whichever is likely to get the most foot-traffic and command the wandering eye. Resist the temptation to dump the lot on the magazine rack, as it is likely to be spotted by attentive employees rather quickly when they stock the new issues of Tricycle and Action Figure Monthly.

STRATEGY #2: The Face-Out

 

The spine sprawl is for nonstarters. Once you've decided on Suck's new home, clear enough room on the top shelf to fit all copies facing outward, just like a box of Coco Puffs at Safeway. In the process, you'll no doubt spy a few reviled titles littering the scene; take those Neil Postman books, or copies of the Ecstasy Club, and find room for them, pages out, as close to the floor as possible. Or, in the World Religions section. Note: Check back now and again to make sure Rushkoff and Postman haven't personally mucked up your good work.

STRATEGY #3: The Front-Table Display

 

It takes nerves of steel to pull this one off. "I noticed this book was filed incorrectly," won't help you here, should the counter help be in the mood for confrontation. And smuggling a stack of Suck books under your coat will likely only draw more attention to you. Think fast, but work slow. Clearing a space and filling it up may require several trips for the more timid amongst you, but both the brazen and bashful alike will revel in their coup once it is accomplished. Remember: By rubbing Suck in people's faces, you're effectively ruining the party for everyone, but it's for their own good. And ours.

Of course, there's no end to the bald-faced gambits you can employ to spread the emotion. If you're a "laugher," you might take time off from your day job of paid in-studio audience-member at your local drive-time radio Zoo Crew to stand in the aisles and summon guffaws, while pointing at pages. Less adept thespians can simply murmur loudly "Gee, I never thought about it that way!" taking care to throw their voices at the nearest shopper, Edgar Bergen-like. But whether by hook or by crook, a little bit of honest subterfuge will carry the Suck brand, and by extension, your daily Web-surfing pleasure, that much further. Let the children of tomorrow enjoy a second printing. Dare to share. Dare to care.

 

words
Sucksters

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Terry Colon

 
 
 

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