1. You can't get out of bed in the morning unless you promise yourself a glazed doughnut the size of your head.

2. You've decided that all your friends aren't really, truly good friends, so fuck them!

3. You take great pleasure in the fact that your answering machine message annoys the shit out of everyone who calls.

4. You're preoccupied by the availability of icy cold beverages.

5. You look forward to watching certain sitcoms. (Severe Danger: One of them is Dharma & Greg.)

6. Your mother gives you looks that indicate she thinks you're even more annoying than you were when you were a preteen obsessed with mastering the art of purple-eyeshadow application (girls)/masturbation (boys).

7. You're still trying to master the art of purple-eyeshadow application/masturbation.

8. You're constantly preoccupied with the thought of taking a nice, hot bath, but you can't get motivated to scrub out your bathtub.

9. You read interviews with Fiona Apple just so you can get worked into a state of total disgust.

10. You imagine unlikely scenarios in which you run into Fiona Apple and tell her to get her shit in gear. Your no-nonsense tone impresses her so much that you two go out for beers together.

11. The dust bunnies under your bed are beginning to look like actual bunnies.

12. The dust bunnies under your bed are beginning to look like ex-boyfriends.

13. You begin to talk to the ex-boyfriend dust bunnies under the bed, explaining to them how much more fabulous you are now than you were when they knew you.

14. One day an ex-boyfriend calls, and you're mad at him based on the rude things his dust-bunny likeness under the bed said to you.

15. You've taken to purchasing little cups of ready-made tapioca pudding to eat whenever the mood strikes.


Next ... Find out how to battle this cliché slide into desperation and despair!

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