OK, so you're OLD. There are still things that you should never, ever do:

  • Use the word "lover."
  • Make people sign autographs.
  • Order the Fish Fillet.
  • Make advance Valentine's Day reservations for dinner and dancing at the Ritz-Carlton.
  • Tell people the truth about what most people thought of Elvis back in the day.
  • Refer to a table in a restaurant as "my table" even if it is, literally, your table.
  • Drink powdered milk.
  • Ache.
  • Talk about aching.
  • Attempt to appropriate the speech patterns of teenagers.
  • Warn someone, "You're going to spoil your appetite."
  • Smoke Kool Menthols.
  • Crochet.

Next ... The Privilege of Seniority

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