It should come as no surprise

that death was much on our minds

last week, and so we note that

the hits just keep on coming in

Texas, where Michael Sharp

recently became the Lone Star

State's 35th prisoner to be

executed this year - and the

very first to have his last

words posted on the Web. Mr.

Sharp's ultimate bequest to

this world, entitled "The

Jericho Road," had less

all-around oomph - except for

the amiable closing, which read,

"I'M OUTTA HERE!!! See Ya!" And

we think he could have improved

his prose style enormously under

the tutelage of Michael McBride

(are all death row inmates in

Texas named Michael?), whose

disjointed rant makes him our

next Suckster novitiate -

assuming of course he made it

past Thanksgiving.

But then again, death often

actually enhances one's

popularity. Drug addicts, deviants, and

dictators alike have gained

enormously from swan-diving

into the Styx, so maybe the late

Mr. Sharp is on the right track.

Of course, when you're

commanding the attention of 13

million post-literate eyeballs

every week, public

self-immolation can be not only

impractical, but unnecessary.

Such was the lucid insight of TV

Guide publicists who, upon

learning of a NYC homicide

triggered by a mangled copy of

their august periodical,

promptly added the news

clipping to their press kit.

Whether such a move was driven

more by a need to explain the

publication's declining sales

and flat circulation or to

introduce the hitherto uncharted

phenomenon of "page rage," is as

yet uncertain. In the meantime,

copycat killings are neither

officially encouraged nor

discouraged by TV Guide or Suck.

Just keep your lobster claws off

our copy and nobody gets hurt.

Better yet, avoid TV altogether.

Notwithstanding Pam and Tommy's

recent decision to allow their

bareback hi-jinks to stream

uncensored, Hard Copy viewers

are unlikely to screen their

adventures in hi-fi anytime

soon. Sadly, neither will most

Net creeps, including the

conscientious non-objectors at

Suck, who spent many a wilting

hour on HotBot and AltaVista in

search of the infamous purloined

putrescence, to no avail. It's

not surprising that the Lees'

pornographic designs have become

the Internet's own Star Wars -

as both protagonists are

suspiciously indistinguishable

from contemporary computer

animation creations - but their

contribution to the gift economy

has arrived with enough strings

attached to leave everyone

feeling the rude tug of jerked

chains. Site after site offers

the footage, but all givers

appear to be on the take. And

even the charging sites are

falling prey to lethal

congestion. We'd mirror the

carnage ourselves, but we're

afraid our sysadmins wouldn't

respect us in the morning.

Drug warriors, take note: The

good ban has no shape. A

6-year-old Colorado boy was

bounced out of

school for a few

hours last month after a teacher

caught him with a tin of lemon

drops. Following district drug

policy, the school principal

called for an ambulance and

rescue squad after learning that

first-grader Seamus Morris and a

friend had both consumed some of

the "substance" straight out of

the well-marked commercial

packaging. District officials

defended the drug-ban

suspension, noting that the

principal had been acting within

policy. The delightful policy,

and please do read this closely,

prohibits substances including,

but not limited to

"narcotic drugs, hallucinogenic
or mind-altering drugs or
substances, amphetamines,
barbiturates, stimulants,
depressants, marijuana, anabolic
steroids, any other controlled
substances as defined by law, or
any other prescription or
nonprescription drug, medicines,
vitamins, or other chemical
substances ..."

Or other chemical substances?

Good thing they didn't limit the

ban just to things they

prohibited explicitly; what if

some little punk kid tries to

dial into Holy the Firm? Good to

see that the war on drugs is

continuing to produce a stable,

reasonable society. It is, at

least, doing fascinating things

to the language. And did we

mention that we saw Goodie

Proctor with the devil?