S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 17 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Filler: 09.17.97
 

BEWARE EL NIÑO!
Not Just for Weather Anymore!

 

Of course you've heard reports of dramatic and terrifying changes in regular weather patterns, all brought on by the wild and woolly El Niño.

Now, top scientists reveal startling new facts about other potential effects of these ominous ocean-current shifts.

 

Other El Niño Side Effects:

- Roaches of the world unite, pose major threat to humankind!

- Women nationwide wake up in late September feeling "not so fresh"!

- Spineless boyfriends of pushy, overpowering women speak out and refuse to "take any more shit"!

- Very small dogs particularly irritable during winter months!

- Dedicated vegans suddenly slap bumper-stickers on their cars that say: "If animals aren't for eating, why are they made of meat?"

- Spice Girls become sluggish, despondent, turn to drugs for solace!

- Extra-large tubs of margarine more difficult to open!

- Slow-moving English dramas replace action-thrillers at the top of the box-office charts!

- Teenagers nationwide sculpt likenesses of Fabio in their mashed potatoes!

 

Next ... El Niño or ELO?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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