S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 1 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 

Pop quiz. When did you stop
reading Suck?

Or, rather, when do you say you
stopped reading Suck?

a) "When they got bought by Wired."

b) "When they started taking ads."

c) "When they started publishing
Dave Barry."

d) "When they stopped publishing articles
by their engineer."

Maintaining hipster cred in a world
where you're only as cool as your
medium is a tricky business. Now
that Pop Up Video has proved that
TV can do hypertext, the Web is no
cooler than the rest of VH1. Suck
aimed to be the Web's Nirvana;
post-post-IPO, many wonder if we're
actually its Stone Temple Pilots.
Which makes the correct answer to our
little Labor Day quiz ...

e) "I've never read Suck."

Retroflexive pre-emptive nostalgists
might blanch at such a dismissal,
rightly claiming that cred accumulates
in inverse proportion to amount of time
one devotes to an event's cool phase.
Completely missing the event misses the
point. But really, you haven't missed much.

This week, we present a long, hard look
into the vacuum we call Suck's archives.
You could call it the "Best of Suck" - we
prefer to think of it as free content. Which
is why, if you're that desperate, you'll be
happy to know the Fish is fresh.

Today's flashback is dedicated to the reader
who wrote, just last week:

"You fucking assholes put in a bunch of
advertising banners at the bottom of your
page! That wasn't there before. IT SUCKS!
You're all a bunch of sell-outs."

See, we used to put ads in the middle of
the thing....

 
Consummate Suck

 

[Sucker]

We're often told that Suck

isn't just a Web site, it's a

lifestyle. We can only concur:

what good is a virtual presence

if you can't form a virtual

community around it? All the

world's an ancillary market, and

when people think they belong,

they're that much more likely to

buy your crap. We hope to

someday form a virtual community

as large as Columbia House,

replete with a cheap laminate

"membership" card. Frankie Say

Suck.

 

[Suck Wear]

We start our tour of future Suck

merchandise with the Suck t-shirt.

"www.suck.com" on the front will

demonstrate to all your friends

and co-workers your

cooler-than-thou, "been there,

done that" attitude - held by

only the most discriminating of

Web surfers - while the "I like

to Suck." on the back will so

poignantly capture the

adolescent ribaldry that makes

you the life of every party.

 

[Suck Condom]

The gaping hole that Suck fills

doesn't have to always be a

virtual one. In the need we say

more category, enter the

www.suck.com condom.

Unlubricated, because it never

www.suck.com condom.

Unlubricated, because it never

goes down easy, but flavored

with just a hint of mint, the

Suck condom is the sure thing to

help our site expand and grow

into something explosive. What

goes up must come down, of

course, so that only a few

scissor-snips away is the Suck

dental dam .

[Suck Dam]

 


[Suckers]


[Suckers]

Sure, you may be a Suckster, but,

in the end, we're all suckers.

The Suck sucker. For those that

know that "Suckster" is just

another cheap ploy, and "sucker"

describes it all too well.

[Suck Candy
]

 

[Suck Mousepad]

Could anything be more obvious @

Could anything be more obvious

than Suck mousepads? The y're a

sure way to personalize your

workspace and let all your

co-workers know how much of a

free, independent spirit you

really are. If we could wing a

deal, though, we'd drop the

custom mousepads and hawk Suck

wrist splints instead, for the

truly wired among us. The best

way to avoid RSI, however , is to

eliminate unnecessary computer

usage. Take action, Suckster:

delete all those bookmarks to

sites that constantly resort to

shameless self-promotion and

blatant hucksterism, and are so

damn smug about it that they'll

even call attention to the fact.

damn smug about it that they'll

even call attention to the fact.

Now, that's fucked up.

 

[Suck Sticker]

Stickers have one thing going for

them: they're cheap. Suck

stickers would be the perfect

medium to try out all those Suck

slogans we come up with in our

most lucid moments, and

dutifully record on the bathroom

wall: "www.suck.com.

Substantially worse than

nothing.", "www.suck.com. All

the good ideas were taken.",

"www.suck.com. Just for the waste

of it.", and "www.suck.com.

"www.suck.com. Just for the waste

of it.", and "www.suck.com.

Witless to brutality." Frankly,

we're AFRAID to look at our hit

counts after stickers reading

"www.suck.com" start appearing

in the men's room of our

favorite clubs. And we can slap

a sticker on any product to make

it our own customized

promotional merchandise. We're

most fond of the Suck

wastebasket: "www.suck.com. No

need to recycle."

 

[Suck Ultra-Wide]

The Suck 1 1/2" felt-tip

indelible marker: it doesn't

even need to say Suck anywhere

indelible marker: it doesn't

even need to say Suck anywhere

on it. And, if you're

resourceful, this item may even

be free. Get out there with the

Ultra-Wides, and remember: Suck

does not support or condone

illegal activity. Viva

www.suck.com!

 
 
 
courtesy of the Duke of URL (pictures)
and Nemo (words).
 
 
 

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The Fish

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Barrel Image

The Barrel
 
[Predictions by Suck]

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The Gun

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