MEET T. JAY FOWLER!

Why? Because we said so!

Wants: To quit production and become a painter

Needs: To quit painting and become more productive

Background: Grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, which makes him suspicious of pretty much everything and everyone, which explains his interest in indie rock.

Typical disclaimer: "It's not like I like indie rock because it's cool! Jeez!"

Current dilemma: Long-term relationship is bringing him bliss, tempered by nagging dread that he'll inevitably screw it up

Most common facial expression: Looks at you like you could turn on him at any moment. Often, this is in fact the case.

Favorite vice: Panic attacks

Likes: Peace and quiet, fresh salsa, E. Annie Proulx

Dislikes: Affectations, niceties, formalities, rules based on faulty premises, religions based on fear and stupidity, irrationality paraded as reasoned thought

Biggest el guapo: Often parades irrationality as reasoned thought

Secret dream: To go insane, move to the desert, and live on wild locusts and honey, just like John the Baptist without all that religious crap and that unfortunate beheading incident

Next ... Try the T. Jay MadLib!