"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 30 June 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

The Monkeys Spank Back


[This is the logo from Maxim.  It looks like the logo of so many strip clubs in Vegas.]

Everyone knows that corralling a

couple dozen chimps and an equal

number of typewriters will

produce, at the very least, a

Hollywood screenplay. But what

if you're not aiming that high?

What if all you want is a men's

magazine? Could chimps produce

something as gloriously

sublingual, as frustratingly

fixated as the four-month-old



[This is a picture of another woman.   She is also part of the 'content' in Maxim]

Even chimps get to play, after

all, and rumor has it their

minds can process literally

dozens of thoughts at a time.

Maxim, on the other hand, seems

the product of a much more

primitive primate: the suburban

teenager. A combination of

leering yet ominously

emotionless cheesecake (you

might get a bigger charge from

looking at phone-sex ads) and

"service" articles whose dubious

utility puts one in mind of

"Fetish" as imagined by Pauly

Shore, it's no surprise that

Maxim is bankrolled by British

publishing magnate Felix Dennis,

who amassed his fortune through

a combination of computer trade

rags and kung fu fanzines: this

is a magazine constructed by and

for individuals who've never

actually met a woman. Or so

you'd think: the editor in chief

of this insult to carrier

chromosomes is Claire McHugh,

Harvard grad and former editor

of Marie Clare.


McHugh's embrace of the

magazine's aesthetic (described

in one memorably euphemistic

moment as "heterosexual,

relentlessly so") is complete

enough as to suggest either a

lobotomy or a feminist mole

operation whose depth and

brilliance rivals Gloria

Steinem's Playboy bunny stint.

Only a woman deeply committed to

destroying the American male's

psyche from the inside out could

baldly state (in an interview

with the Chicago Sun-Times) that

most men's magazines were too,

you know, wordy: "One of my big

priorities is to do

photographs," said McHugh, "I

think that men are more visual

than women in general, and men's

magazines have not been visual

enough." At a time in publishing

when men's magazines are

scrambling to appeal the

mythical demographic that read

the "old Spy™", it is

somewhat refreshing to find an

editor who thinks writing is

superfluous: "Maxim isn't a

heavy text magazine."


[This is a picture of another woman.  It's, once again, part of Maxim's 'conetnt.']

The clearest proof of Maxim's

subversive role in the great

feminist overthrow is archived

in bits at the Maxim Web site.

These "rules for women" are

probably intended to be humor,

but they're mostly jokes that

weren't funny when they were

scrawled on the cave wall.

Indeed, if there exists a man in

America today who might find

Maxim funny, he's probably

sitting on the Supreme Court. So

what are they really? They're an

acute analysis of men's faults

that rivals Andrea Dworkin's in

both vitriol and accuracy. They

make women feel superior and

make men ashamed they have a

penis. Which is, we hope, the



Maxim says: Never buy a "new"
brand of beer because "it was on

Maxim means: I drink what
I drink, and I don't want your


Maxim says: If we're in the
backyard and the TV in the den
is on, that doesn't mean we're
not watching it.

Maxim means: I paid for the
fucking TV so don't touch it.


Maxim says: Don't tell anyone
we can't afford a new car. Tell
them we don't want one.

Maxim means: Repress personal
values to conform to societal
beliefs, or I'll get angry.


Maxim says: Whenever
possible, please try to say
whatever you have to say during

Maxim means: Shut up and get
me a beer.


Maxim says: Only wearing your
new lingerie once does not send
the message that you need more.
It tells us lingerie is a bad

Maxim means: I should have
bought a new pair of Zubaz™


Maxim says: Please don't drive
when you're not driving.

Maxim means: If you could drive
you'd be driving, so shut up.


Maxim says: Don't feel compelled
to tell us how all the people in
your little stories are related
to one another: We're just
nodding, waiting for the

Maxim means: My expression of
love is based on your allowing
me to fuck you; not me listening
to anything that means anything
to you.


Maxim says: If you want us to
take out the garbage, you have
to let us pack the car.

Maxim means: If you let us pack
the car, you have to take out
the garbage.


Maxim says: The quarterback who
just got pummeled isn't trying
to be brave, he's just not
crying. Big difference.

Maxim means: I have repressed
homoerotic longings for Brett


Maxim says: When the waiter
asks if everything's OK, a
simple "Yes" will do.

Maxim means: Don't interact with
anyone who might actually treat
you with a shred of respect.
FYI, I'm paying for this meal.


Maxim says: What do you mean,
"leering"? She's obstructing my

Maxim means: She would most
probably allow me to have sex
with her since she doesn't know
how I treat you.


Maxim says: When I'm turning the
wheel and the car is nosing onto
the offramp, saying, "This is
our exit," is not strictly

Maxim means: If you could drive
you'd be driving, so shut up.


Maxim says: When you're not
around, I belch so loudly that I
even appall myself.

Maxim means: I belch in hopes
that one day my quarterback will
hear my belch and free me from
my destructive cycle of abuse.


Maxim says: The temperature in
the cave will be my responsibility.
It will be slightly to moderately
cooler than you want it.

Maxim means: I am a fuck.


Maxim says: SportsCenter starts
at 11:00 p.m. and runs one hour.
This is an excellent time for
you to pay bills, put laundry in
the dryer, or talk to your

Maxim means: While you're
talking to your sister, ask her
why she isn't happily married
like you.


Maxim says: Is it too much to ask
to have the bra match the

Maxim means: I wish I could wear
a bra.


Maxim says: If we see you in the
morning and at night, why call
us at work?

Maxim means: I wish I had a
rewarding job.


Maxim says: Two hot dogs and a
beer at a baseball game do, in
fact, constitute going out to

Maxim means: Hot dogs remind
me of my last glimpse at


Maxim says: You probably don't
want to know what we're thinking

Maxim means: I cry.


Maxim says: Silence does not
need to be filled.

Maxim means: I truly - in my
soul - understand the beauty of


Maxim says: It's in neither your
interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.

Maxim means: I have no fuckin'
idea how to construct a


Maxim says: No, you can't
have the remote control.

Maxim means: I ate it.

courtesy of Ann O'Tate and
Miss Anthrope.

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