We all know there's something

fishy going on in the numbered

vaults of their banks, but who

would have figured the Swiss to

be so shrewd as to perfume the

fetor of their doings with,

well, perfume? Not content

merely to hawk multipurpose

knives, perforated cheese, and

anal-retentive timepieces, the

country that prides itself on

neutrality is now planning to

take a strong stand with Swiss

Army Parfum, a gimmicky

combination of fragrance and

packaging intended for a

Father's Day rollout. Said Tom

Higgins, president of Precise

International, "Swiss Army

represents a lifestyle," though

it's unclear whether he was

referring to the manly

brushed-aluminum bottle design

or the moral cowardice of the

Men in Red. Scent strips

smelling of "clean air,

mountains, [and] beautiful

flowers" and featuring a picture

of the Matterhorn are slated to

appear in summer magazines, but

we think it would be truly

clever if the Swiss turned

"neutrality" and financial

acumen to their advantage: Why

not save on materials by

marketing a cologne so lightly

perfumed that it smells like ...

nothing at all?

While the Fox News Channel lacks

the cable carriage of CNN and

other longer-established 24-hour

info-IVs, that doesn't mean it's

not within your reach. To access

its constant coverage of the

world's news, whether there's

actually any news happening or

not - a recent "business news"

segment brought us an interview

with the author of Chicken Soup

for the Soul at Work - all you

need is a Web connection and

RealAudio's RealPlayer. And

while other underdeployed cable

operations like the Independent

Film Channel might not survive

the greater-access/lower-aesthetics

equation of Web broadcasting,

today's limited bandwidth

actually improves the Fox News

Channel viewing experience.

Indeed, it provides a pleasing

kind of perpetual

self-deconstruction to Fox's

broadcasts: When the

impressionistic, blinking video

suddenly leaves talking heads

frozen in expressions of

practiced gravitas while their

voices continue to blabber away

about nothing, it's a

hard-to-miss reminder that the

world is not quite the

clear-cut, summarizable,

soundbite-sized place the news

makes it out to be.

It must be that time of the

month: We weren't the only ones

with personal hygiene on our

minds last Tuesday - the very

same day we uncovered the

circumcision cabal,

Kimberly-Clark launched

Girlspace at www.kotex.com, a

site whose similarities to Tampax's

year-old T-Room raises

unsettling questions about the

existence of a synchronized

menarche menace. Why the Red

Scare? Note the disturbing

reliance on ransom-note-style

signage (What are they afraid

of?), as well as a tendency to

get all bleeding-heart over

"becoming a woman." Please. If

being a woman were as easy as

that, why would we need makeup,

perfume, and lingerie? Indeed,

with a multibillion-dollar

industry predicated on defining

personal grooming as the

functional equivalent to

secondary sex characteristics,

it's no wonder that Matt, the

Pygmalion of Plastics, finishes

off his ersatz Elizas by

"ship[ing ... them] wearing

something very sexy, and even

purfumed!" Obviously not one to

skimp on details, one wonders

why it's taken him so long to

come up with the realdoll.com

domain, a new wrinkle since we

last checked in. Also new: "more

curvy" body styles and a variety

of different types of head!

(Don't get your, er, hopes up,

though, he's talking facial

expressions, not facials.)

We can't help but take a little

personal pride in the apparent

upswing in business at the

Realdoll project, seeing as how

their price range and appeal

seem custom-made to suit the

Suck demo - all that's missing

is a Kim Polese model. Which may

not be that far off - all that's

needed is a merger between the

Realdoll project and the

identically creepy My Twinn

company. As it is, the My Twinn

shop specializes in

manufacturing dolls

"personalized to resemble one

special child ... your

daughter." While not without a

certain, hopefully limited,

overlap in appeal already,

pooling the two business' areas

of expertise - the Twinn factory

claims to have consulted

"doctors, beauticians, hair

stylists, anatomists,

ophthalmologists, children's

photographers, computer experts,

master sculptors, and artists" -

would be sure to cause

ontological seizures in all but

the most jaded philosophers, and

take the "self" out of

self-abuse once and for all.