They're urban, they're annoying, and they've got our attention. Suck can't stop running down the elite and the hipster, the bourgeoisie and the bourgeois-hating bourgeoisie - possibly because they're such easy targets. But how can one tell the difference between urban elite and urban hipster, besides the fact that both are urbane? Is either subgroup tolerable in small doses? Are they human at all?

You have questions. Filler has confusing profiles.

COMPARE AND CONTRAST...
THE URBAN ELITIST! THE URBAN HIPSTER! THE URBAN HIPSTER MARTIAN! AND... WINK MARTINDALE!

THE URBAN ELITIST

Likes: Jazz, purebreds, fresh basil, running shoes, Monet greeting cards, gold jewelry

Dislikes: Cellulite, negativity, corn syrup, open confrontation, stick-in-the-muds, hipsters

Fatal flaw: Immutable sense of entitlement

Highest compliment: "You're so professional."

Tone: Upbeat, manic, self-involved, passive-aggressive, vaguely dissatisfied, massively insecure

Real talent: Masking vague dissatisfaction with overt declarations of how "great" everything is.

Justification for consumer choices: "I like the stuff I like. Whatever."

Guidance for consumer choices:Vogue, Z-Gallerie, what characters on "Friends" like

Goal in life: To look good while making money.

Secret Desire: To make money just by looking good.

THE URBAN HIPSTER

Likes: Indie cred, independent-short-film festivals, early Pavement, cool shoes, melted cheese

Dislikes: Sports, positivity, wheatgrass, dishonesty, ambition, elitists

Fatal flaw: Immutable sense of entitlement

Highest compliment: "You're so original."

Tone: Condescending, self-involved, neurotic, vaguely dissatisfied, massively insecure

Real talent: Masking any lingering satisfaction with overt declarations of how "fucked" everything is.

Justification for consumer choices: "I like what I like. Whatever."

Guidance for consumer choices: Decor, Beer Frame, what members of the Beastie Boys like, what people with dyed black hair are wearing

Goal in life: To remain true to oneself while achieving some degree of success at a creative pursuit.

Secret desire: To betray self and friends in a mad dash for worldwide fame and admiration.

THE URBAN MARTIAN

Likes: Glimble, blandoid dooples, seared mengii

Dislikes: Narkle, peendip, carg

Fatal flaw: Kills when happy.

Highest compliment: "You're so spherical."

Tone: Impossible to decipher

Real talent: Deriving satisfaction from severe disappointment.

Justification for consumer choices: "I like what I like. Whatever."

Guidance for consumer choices: Zendy, cargle hop, bingle borple

Goal in life: To capture and freeze Santa Claus for the Earth museum.

Secret desire: To fuck with Scully.

WINK MARTINDALE

Likes: Chihuahuas

Dislikes: Tic-tac-toe, his nephew Jeff, "Did you host 'The Dating Game' or 'The Newlywed Game?' "

Fatal flaw: Takes sheer joy in seeing a player lose everything. Refers to this as a "classic moment."

Highest compliment: "You're so pathological."

Tone: Ruthlessly upbeat, sinister

Real talent: Wrote top-10 hit "Deck of Cards," a story-song in which the face cards become stand-ins for religious icons. Limitless potential as suicide-cult leader.

Justification for consumer choices: "I like it! It's fun!"

Guidance for consumer choices: His nephew, Jeff, would hate it.

Goal in life: To be the Tony Bennett of game-show hosts.

Secret Desire: To change the name on his birth certificate from "Winston" to "Wink" so no one will ever know.

[Next ... Meet them! Greet them!]