THE URBAN HIPSTER "VALUE" SYSTEM!

Do what you want, get what you need! Just use these basic tips for avoiding common "moral" potholes and booby traps!

 
 

DON'T APOLOGIZE, PSYCHOANALYZE!

When you get in hot water with someone, say, your mother after forgetting her birthday for the fifth time, or your sister for sleeping with her husband, there's always some complicated set of circumstances and psychological factors coming into play which they probably don't completely understand. Explain all these factors, and if they still don't understand, then get mad at them for being so selfish! Just remember, being an Urban Hipster means never having to say you're sorry. So don't.

 

TO BE INVINCIBLE, REFER TO A PRINCIPLE!

The easiest way to explain so-called "bad behavior" is to package it as a protest against a person, idea, or institution. You're not stealing from your mother, you're challenging the family structure and undermining the foundation of mainstream Judeo-Christian values! You're not committing a crime, you're subverting the dominant paradigm! Don't you feel special? You should!

 

ADMIT YOU'RE A CROOK, AND YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK!

Remember Nixon, that guy with the weird nose who was president way back when? Remember how he kept telling everybody "I am not a crook! I am not a crook!" Well, if he had just looked the American people in the eye, say, when he was first inaugurated, and said, "I am a crook! A real crook!" he would've gotten away with murder, because he would've warned everybody from the start. Similarly, if you think you're gonna cheat on someone, or lie to them, one strategy is to cover your ass ahead of time by declaring, repeatedly, apropos of nothing: "I'm a cheater. You can't trust me." or "I'm a liar. Don't believe a word I say." Kinda makes you feel like a badass, too, doesn't it?

 

DON'T SURPRISE, RESORT TO SECRETS AND LIES!

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to ignore other people's feelings, they slip into your head. Maybe you're sleeping with your friend's wife, maybe you're talking shit about your best friend to her closest friend, but suddenly you feel the smallest twinge of guilt. Yuck! Either way, it's important to remember that as long as the other person doesn't know how bad you're screwing them over, then it's just like you're not! See how easy lying and deceiving others makes the world?

 

DON'T AGREE, REFOCUS ON "ME"!

Sometimes people's feelings get hurt for the stupidest reasons! But that doesn't mean you should agree to take responsibility for their weak little hearts, does it? It's a free country, right? Shouldn't you be able to do whatever you want, generally? So why are they standing in the way? They should know that their feelings are nothing in the face of your needs. Your mantra? "This has nothing to do with you." Voilà! No more wussy complaints!

 

GOT NEEDS TO SATIATE? REFER TO "FATE"!

There are just so many things we humans don't understand about the world, so many unexplained, crazy phenomena! Maybe some of these invisible forces are acting on your life, and making you act "weird" or "like an asshole." Sure, all these naysayers can criticize all they want, but how do they know that you and your husband's brother weren't meant to be together? Sometimes it just takes explaining that certain things are simply Destined to Happen, perhaps you're Star-Crossed, or Fated to act in certain ways. Just let your critics know, hey, these forces are bigger than you and me, man, they're bigger than the universe! Let that heavy shit sink in, and before you know it, you're home free!

 
 

Next ... Easy Solutions to Common "Moral" Dilemmas!

 
 
 


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