The "You're So Mainstream, Why Don't You Go Back to Ohio?" Bark

Useful response to: Day-Glo clothing, Budweiser, "Woohoo!", acid-washed jeans, high-fives, Celine Dion

Tone: Elitist, scoffing, hoity-toity

Real message: "I'm from Ohio and very homesick. Stop reminding me of all those down-to-earth, friendly people and happy dogs and trees and no hipsters in sight.... "


The "I Embrace the Mainstream" Anti-Alterna Stance

Useful response to: Frighteningly hip nightclubs, goatees, beyond-indie record stores, experimental anything

Tone: Indignant, rebellious, defensive

Real message: "I love pop music, damn it, is that so wrong?!!"


The "It's So Bad, It's Good" Excuse

Useful response to: Melrose Place/90210, The Real World, ABBA, romantic comedies, Singled Out, Unzipped

Tone: Enthusiastic, perversely thrilled (often includes giggling and/or jumping up and down excitedly)

Real message: "I take joy in watching other people embarrass and/or humiliate themselves." Also "I take joy in embarrassing and/or humiliating myself."


The "It's So Bad, You Must Be a Lobotomized Mutant" Jab

Useful response to: The "It's So Bad, It's Good" Excuse

Tone: Accusational, caustic

Real message: "I have no sense of humor whatsoever."


Next ... Learn the Urban Hipster Equation!


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