URBAN HIPSTER MANTRAS!
(See also: Urban Hipster Smalltalk, Mating Cries)

The "I Liked Their Early Stuff" Snort

Useful response to: REM, Saturday Night Live, The Baffler, The Simpsons, Nightmare on Elm Street series

Tone: Condescending, dismissive

Real message: "I liked this stuff much better when I was a teenager and/or when I was stoned a lot more."

The "She's So Overrated" High-pitched Whine

Useful response to: Alanis Morrisette, Jenny McCarthy, Cindy Crawford

Tone: Sickened, repulsed

Real message:

• For women: "If you think she's sexy, you're worthless"
• For men: "I think she's sexy. I'm worthless."

The "You're Such a Yuppie" Poke

Useful response to: A friend's purchase of pricey wine, pricey furniture ... or pricey anything

Tone: Smug to ascetic

Real message: "If I had money I'd give most of it to the poor ... or some of it, anyway. At least I'd spend it on CDs or Sega or something more worthwhile. But I don't have money, so I'll scoff at you instead."

The "Done That" Groan

Useful response to: The Pixies, bisexuality, bungee jumping, acid, "Lately I've been surfing on the Internet ..."

Tone: Indulgent yet dismissive

Real message: "Based on your inexperience in this area, I'm prepared to assume that you're really immature and/or a painfully slow learner, mainly because I'm really immature and/or a painfully slow learner."

The Classic "I Don't Care What Other People Think" Mumble

Useful response to: Implication that you are remotely influenced by society's values and mores

Tone: Pissed off, righteous

Real message: "I suffer from the illusion that I'm living in a vacuum of social influences. In addition, I have the maturity level of an eighth-grader."