STALKER BALKER

"An avid fan of Richard Crenna was ordered to stay at least 100 yards away from the actor and his family for the next three years. Ms. [Veronika] Kuncova showed up at the actor's home in October and took a few photos with him, and then returned twice in March, Crenna said in court papers. The 70-year-old actor called police after the March visits." [AP Wire, 4/14/97]

CAREER IN DECLINE? HIRE A STALKER!

Visit

Choose among a wide variety of stalkers, including:

• The Foreign Intruder!
• The Socially Inept Genius!
• The Unrequited Teenager!
• Mr. Helter-Skelter!

And our NEW model, the Unfathomable Lunatic!

THINK of the shocked passersby!

IMAGINE the media feeding-frenzy!

FEEL the glow of the spotlight once more!

INCLUDES:

• A 150-page booklet with instructions on how to manhandle the press, including how to ramble distractedly and seem "shocked" when the press comes to call
• Special makeup kit to induce that can't-sleep-at-night, "stalked" look
• Tips on securing a six-figure book advance in just a few days - without a proposal or an agent!

All for ONE LOW PRICE!

Imagine starring in a well-timed blockbuster hit that capitalizes on your past traumas! Our first 20 customers get the opportunity to screen a variety of action-thriller screenplays that hinge on a "stalker" theme. Choose from such titles as:

• THE STALKER
• STALKED
• PRIMAL STALK
• SINGLE WHITE STALKER
• STALK ABOUT THE HAS-BEEN
• A FEW GOOD STALKERS
• STALK THIS WAY
• STALKING AND TALKING
• STALKERS AND LIES
• THE ENGLISH STALKER
• SOMETHING TO STALK ABOUT

So visit THE STALKER SHOP today! Remember, when you're old news, you've got nothing to lose!