AD SALESPERSON

 

Also Known As:
Peddler/Meddler

See Also:
Snake Oil Specialist

Helpful Skills:

  • Ability to spew vague yet glowing endorsements
  • Utter lack of irony
  • Mastery of the "Fake It -N- Rake It In" maneuver
  • Rose-colored glasses when viewing Product

Potential Impediments to Success:

  • Honesty
  • The smallest modicum of cynicism
  • A weak handshake

Favorite Quote:
"We have a lot of exciting new things going on that I'd love to tell you about."

Tragic Flaw:
Bald greed looks bad in tweed.

Ignorance An Obstacle?
Hell, naw!

 
 

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE CLERK

 

Also Known As:
Number Cruncher

See Also:
That Bitch

Helpful Skills:

  • Evasive
  • Intimidating
  • Stubborn
  • Invisible

Potential Impediments to Success:

  • Undying urge to help others
  • Colorblind - no red-black distinction

Favorite Quote:
"Tell him the check's on the way."

Tragic Flaw:
All avoidance tactics come back to haunt her eventually.

Ignorance An Obstacle?
Not really.

 
 

WEBMASTER

 

Also Known As:
The HTML Guy

See Also:
Web Jockey

Helpful Skills:

  • Ability to "view source"
  • Ability to lie

Potential Impediments to Success:

  • Vague sense of ambition, motivation, longing
  • Membership in rock band that's about to break wide
  • Graduation from high school

Favorite Quote:
"I'm not sure that's possible. I'm pretty sure that's not possible."

Tragic Flaw:
Fascination with doomsday/conspiracy theories, cults, dramatic suicides

Ignorance An Obstacle?
Ha!

 
 

"COMIC" WRITER

 

Also Known As:
Laff Rioter

See Also:
Loser

Helpful Skills:

  • Experience at an extremely demeaning, unrelated job
  • A series of frustratingly bad relationships
  • Severe alienation from society at large
  • An unrealistically supportive Mommy

Potential Impediments to Success:

  • Total satisfaction and happiness
  • Unhappiness, or just occasional bad moods
  • Caffeine shortage
  • Not enough laughter, too much forgetting

Favorite Quote:
"Show me the funny."

Tragic Flaw:
Dreams of a movie deal, but dreads actually writing a script.

Ignorance An Obstacle?
Nay!

 
 

 

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon

 
 
 
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