CAREERS FOR DUMMIES, PART II

You're stupid, and you want a career in New Media? Follow this simple guide to jobs that don't require a degree, or even the slightest semblance of a brain!

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT

Also Known As:
Handmaiden

See Also:
Piss Boy

Helpful Skills:

• Burning desire to serve
• Lack of free will
• Strong legs for swiftly fetching cappuccinos upon command

Potential Impediments to Success:

• Pride
• Ability to question authority

Favorite Quote:
"Chocolate or cinnamon on top?"

Tragic Flaw:
Thinks "sexual harassment" is a song by Marvin Gaye.

Ignorance An Obstacle?
No, man, no!

COPYEDITOR

Also Known As:
Grammar Police

See Also:
Pain in the Ass

Helpful Skills:

• Unhealthy attention to detail
• Borderline-sexual relationship to the intricacies of the English language
• Glib, condescending tone
• Huge stick up the ass

Potential Impediments to Success:

• Laissez-faire attitude
• Laissez-fail attitude
• Better things to do

Favorite Quote:
"Unless Webster's is wrong, I believe you've erred egregiously."

Tragic Flaw:
Prefers flaw-finding to vision-guiding.

Ignorance An Obstacle?
Two words: Reference books

FREELANCE WRITER

Also Known As:
Floater

See Also:
Whore

Helpful Skills:

• Propensity toward harassing people for money
• Ability to grovel and kiss ass for work
• Possession of sizable trust fund

Potential Impediments to Success:

• Shame
• Inability to "network"
• Lack of interest in pop culture and the media
• Desire to do "important" work

Favorite Quote:
"How many words?"

Tragic Flaw:
Was forced to get cable in order to follow '96 elections; now addicted to reruns of My So-Called Life.

Ignorance An Obstacle:
Nay!