CAREERS FOR DUMMIES, PART II

You're stupid, and you want a career in New Media? Follow this simple guide to jobs that don't require a degree, or even the slightest semblance of a brain!

 

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT

 

Also Known As:
Handmaiden

See Also:
Piss Boy

Helpful Skills:

  • Burning desire to serve
  • Lack of free will
  • Strong legs for swiftly fetching cappuccinos upon command

Potential Impediments to Success:

  • Pride
  • Ability to question authority

Favorite Quote:
"Chocolate or cinnamon on top?"

Tragic Flaw:
Thinks "sexual harassment" is a song by Marvin Gaye.

Ignorance An Obstacle?
No, man, no!

 
 

COPYEDITOR

 

Also Known As:
Grammar Police

See Also:
Pain in the Ass

Helpful Skills:

  • Unhealthy attention to detail
  • Borderline-sexual relationship to the intricacies of the English language
  • Glib, condescending tone
  • Huge stick up the ass

Potential Impediments to Success:

  • Laissez-faire attitude
  • Laissez-fail attitude
  • Better things to do

Favorite Quote:
"Unless Webster's is wrong, I believe you've erred egregiously."

Tragic Flaw:
Prefers flaw-finding to vision-guiding.

Ignorance An Obstacle?
Two words: Reference books

 
 

FREELANCE WRITER

 

Also Known As:
Floater

See Also:
Whore

Helpful Skills:

  • Propensity toward harassing people for money
  • Ability to grovel and kiss ass for work
  • Possession of sizable trust fund

Potential Impediments to Success:

  • Shame
  • Inability to "network"
  • Lack of interest in pop culture and the media
  • Desire to do "important" work

Favorite Quote:
"How many words?"

Tragic Flaw:
Was forced to get cable in order to follow '96 elections; now addicted to reruns of My So-Called Life.

Ignorance An Obstacle:
Nay!

 

[NEXT PAGE: More Careers for Dummies, including Webmaster, Ad Sales, and more!]

 
 
 


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