S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 19 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 

Filler: 02.19.97
 

A TYPICAL TROUBLE-SHOOTING SESSION WITH MANAGEMENT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

INTRODUCING...
THE WORLD'S FIRST VIRTUAL MANAGER!

Voice-activated, it answers each request, complaint, or suggestion, with one of a few possible responses, depending on the level of stress in the employee's voice!

Low Stress

  • Thanks for keeping me informed.
  • Well, that's an interesting perspective.
  • Okay, I'll keep that in mind.

Moderate Stress

  • I understand your concern.
  • Hmm. Maybe we should rethink some of our initiatives.
  • Well, we'd have to sit down and discuss that.
  • Let's just see how it goes from here.

High Stress

  • I hope you know how much I appreciate the work you're doing.
  • Just calm down; you're getting very defensive.
 

While you're at it, check out some of our other models, including...

 
 

THE VIRTUAL PRODUCTION MANAGER!

Instead of reacting to the speaker's voice, this model just reacts randomly, vacillating from Severe Annoyance to Uncontrollable Rage.

Severe Annoyance

  • I'm working on it, okay?
  • I'm not gonna get to that for a while.

Uncontrollable Rage

  • No one told me that!
  • That won't work!
  • That's impossible!
  • I don't want to talk about it.
  • Go away. Now.
 
 

THE VIRTUAL WRITER!

Featuring three settings: Inspired/Caffeinated, Uninspired/Sluggish, and Behind Deadline.

Inspired/Caffeinated

  • Right! I was just reading something that made me think about this very thing...
  • Yeahyeahyeah! That'll be funny!
  • This fits right in with my other idea...
  • Heh heh. Then the guy'll go, "Are you on crack?!"

Uninspired/Sluggish

  • Um. Well. What?
  • I'm trying to think here.
  • I don't get it.
  • Whatever.
  • Let's talk about this later.

Behind Deadline

  • Fuck off.
 
 

THE VIRTUAL RESEARCH GUY!

Two settings: Overenthusiastic Outbursts and Oblique Obstacles

Overenthusiastic Outbursts

  • I just noticed an interesting thing...
  • I'll do a Lexis-NexisTM search!
  • Ohmigod! You've got to read this article!
  • Have you heard the rumors about him?

Oblique Obstacles

  • Well, it's "America's Online Destination"!
  • Oh, but scumbags are in! Last week? The Times? You saw it, right?
  • Well, he's "Worse Than He Says He Is," after all!
  • It's the piglet in the python!
 
 

THE VIRTUAL EXECUTIVE!

Featuring three unpredictable settings: Out of Touch, Vague, and God.

Out of Touch

  • Wait, what's your name?
  • What do you do for us?
  • How much do we pay you, anyway?

Vague

  • Think: Big.
  • We need to add value to the brand.
  • It has to be salable.
  • We can't afford too much cost upfront.
  • Think: Groundbreaking.

God

  • I'm cancelling that project.
  • You're fired.

 
 

THE VIRTUAL WORKPLACE!

Now picture entire meetings, held between Virtual Employees, accomplishing at least as much as those stressful, time-consuming meetings you attend now!

 

 

 

 
 

 

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon

 

 
 
 



        



Polly Esther