THE WORLD'S FIRST VIRTUAL MANAGER!
Voice-activated, it answers each request, complaint, or
suggestion, with one of a few possible responses, depending on the
level of stress in the employee's voice!
- Thanks for keeping me informed.
- Well, that's an interesting perspective.
- Okay, I'll keep that in mind.
- I understand your concern.
- Hmm. Maybe we should rethink some of our initiatives.
- Well, we'd have to sit down and discuss that.
- Let's just see how it goes from here.
- I hope you know how much I appreciate the work you're doing.
- Just calm down; you're getting very defensive.
While you're at it, check out some of our other models,
THE VIRTUAL PRODUCTION MANAGER!
Instead of reacting to the speaker's voice, this model just
reacts randomly, vacillating from Severe Annoyance to
- I'm working on it, okay?
- I'm not gonna get to that for a while.
- No one told me that!
- That won't work!
- That's impossible!
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Go away. Now.
THE VIRTUAL WRITER!
Featuring three settings: Inspired/Caffeinated,
Uninspired/Sluggish, and Behind Deadline.
- Right! I was just reading something that made me think about
this very thing...
- Yeahyeahyeah! That'll be funny!
- This fits right in with my other idea...
- Heh heh. Then the guy'll go, "Are you on crack?!"
- Um. Well. What?
- I'm trying to think here.
- I don't get it.
- Let's talk about this later.
THE VIRTUAL RESEARCH GUY!
Two settings: Overenthusiastic Outbursts and Oblique
- I just noticed an interesting thing...
- I'll do a Lexis-NexisTM search!
- Ohmigod! You've got to read this article!
- Have you heard the rumors about him?
- Well, it's "America's Online Destination"!
- Oh, but scumbags are in! Last week? The Times? You saw it,
- Well, he's "Worse Than He Says He Is," after all!
- It's the piglet in the python!
THE VIRTUAL EXECUTIVE!
Featuring three unpredictable settings: Out of Touch, Vague,
Out of Touch
- Wait, what's your name?
- What do you do for us?
- How much do we pay you, anyway?
- Think: Big.
- We need to add value to the brand.
- It has to be salable.
- We can't afford too much cost upfront.
- Think: Groundbreaking.
- I'm cancelling that project.
- You're fired.