S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 12 February 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 

Filler: 02.12.97
 
 

FIN-DE-SIECLE DATING TIPS

Part 2: The Love Dissection!

 

SO, YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE!

What the hell is wrong with you? We all know that these feelings are only caused by ego-reinforcement, hormonal stimulation due to sex, and the temporary illusion that you're not alone in the world.

Remember, not only are these feelings deceptive, but they'll fade quicker than the waning rays of a beautiful sunset. So stop staring at it! You're fooling yourself.

 

Take a minute right now to study FIGURE 2.

FIGURE 2. OUTCOMES OF LOVE.

Now, what are the real chances you'll end up blissful? Better not tell you now...

But then again, let's take a look at some of the characters we met last week. If they can find true love... or at least settle for some semblance of it, maybe you can, too.

 

 

MATCH GAME '97!

You met the players - now, meet the couples!

 

THE MANLY MAN + THE GIRLY GIRL

He decrees, she agrees. He opines over fine wine, she imbibes until she's supine. This one's a piece of cake.

 

THE GUY'S GUY + LITTLE MS. SMARTY PANTS

Because he never throws out any new ideas, she can't shoot them down. So instead she just admires his hair, and luckily, he's too thick to discern condescension from affection. The perfect couple.

 

MR. CAPITALIST FUCKHEAD + THE RULES GIRL

He has no problem with marriage, since he takes it about as seriously as a short-term mutual fund - if it doesn't give him good yields, he'll move on to the next. She just wants his signature on the dotted line - easily done.

 

MONSIEUR INSECURE + THE WOMANLY WOMAN

She likes a man who's mostly concerned with her elegant posture, her benevolent gazes, and the way the light catches in her hair, and he's just that man... for now.

 

THAT SCHLEMIEL FROM NEW YORK + THAT FUCKING BITCH

Only a good laugh will break through that bitch's cold exterior. Plus, he's just short and hairy enough to be utterly unpretentious, which is a must for a mean slut. This one thrives on cutthroat humor - but what better fuel for love?

 

ANTI-EVERYTHING MAN + PSYCHOBABBLE MAMA

He deconstructs the world, she deconstructs him - at least they're both deconstructionists. In him, she finds the perfect human puzzle - complex, unpredictable, crunchy on the outside with a soft, chewy center. She knows his hatred is a cry for love, so she loves him, and he loves her to love him.

 

THE SPORTING GUY + THE SPORTING GUY

They both spend hours on the couch, watching guys run around in sexy outfits, doing sexy things. This pair may not find love with each other that often, but it's a damn shame they don't. Just look at Akbar and Jeff...

 
 

 
 

APOCALYPSE NOW!

If you're still uninspired after these touching stories of love realized, perhaps you're in a bad relationship. Perhaps you can see the end coming, and you're looking forward to it. In that case, you need to read:

 
 

WEEK 1: VOICE THOSE INSECURITIES.

He didn't call until the last minute on Saturday to ask you out for Saturday night? Well, that's strange. Tell him you're worried that he's not in love. And while you're at it, bring up your fear of abandonment, your recurring suspicion that you're not as smart as you think you are, and your tendency to gain weight in the hip area.

 
 

WEEK 2: BE JEALOUS. BE VERY JEALOUS.

If she's like most women, she's probably just dying to get into someone else's pants! That means you must pay close attention to the way she looks at other men. When she gazes longingly, or just stares for too long, point it out to her. When she says that you're crazy, and that she only loves you, don't believe her. Tell her she's just saying that. Pout. Be inconsolable. How else are you supposed to react to a slut on the make?

 
 

WEEK 3: STOP LISTENING.

Why'd you fall in love in the first place? So you could talk about yourself nonstop. So what's this bullshit about having to listen to him? He's just trying to pull one over on you. Try redirecting the conversation by saying something like: "I'm sorry, I'm getting a little bored. Can we talk about ME now?" or maybe "Have you noticed how much more interesting it is to discuss ME instead of YOU?" When worst comes to worst, try plugging your ears and humming something to yourself when he talks about himself. In time, he'll learn.

 
 

WEEK 4: UNDERCUT AND SECOND-GUESS.

At this point, the things she says should sound manipulative, transparent, or utterly self-deluded. Does she really believe in writing for writing's sake, or is she just in it for the money? Could she really believe her script is worthwhile, when it's obviously complete crap? Once you start doubting her intentions and second-guessing her abilities, you just can't stop!

 
 

WEEK 5: BLAME, BLAME, BLAME!

If all has gone according to plan, by this point you should associate most of the bad sides of your personality and, hence, your life, with your partner. Doesn't it suddenly look like everything bad in the world starts and ends with him? Good. Now tell him so.

 
 

WEEK 6: THE BREAK-UP

Get angry, yell, cry, walk out, or all of the above. But whatever you do, make sure that she knows, in no uncertain terms, that everything wrong with the relationship is the direct result of some defect in her personality, and that, as far as you can tell, she'll never manage to sustain a healthy relationship with anyone, ever.*

*Resist the urge to accept the wedding invitation you'll get within a year.

 
 

FREE AT LAST!

At last, you're independent! Totally free! Unburdened by the will and whims of another! Doesn't it feel great?

 

 

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon

 

 
 
 





Polly Esther