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APOCALYPSE NOW!
If you're still uninspired after these touching stories of love
realized, perhaps you're in a bad relationship. Perhaps you can
see the end coming, and you're looking forward to it. In that
case, you need to read:
WEEK 1: VOICE THOSE INSECURITIES.
He didn't call until the last minute on Saturday to ask you out
for Saturday night? Well, that's strange. Tell him you're worried
that he's not in love. And while you're at it, bring up your
fear of abandonment, your recurring suspicion that you're not as
smart as you think you are, and your tendency to gain weight in
the hip area.
WEEK 2: BE JEALOUS. BE VERY JEALOUS.
If she's like most women, she's probably just dying to get into
someone else's pants! That means you must pay close attention to
the way she looks at other men. When she gazes longingly, or just
stares for too long, point it out to her. When she says that
you're crazy, and that she only loves you, don't believe her. Tell
her she's just saying that. Pout. Be inconsolable. How else are
you supposed to react to a slut on the make?
WEEK 3: STOP LISTENING.
Why'd you fall in love in the first place? So you could talk about
yourself nonstop. So what's this bullshit about having to listen
to him? He's just trying to pull one over on you. Try
redirecting the conversation by saying something like: "I'm
sorry, I'm getting a little bored. Can we talk about ME now?" or
maybe "Have you noticed how much more interesting it is to discuss
ME instead of YOU?" When worst comes to worst, try plugging your
ears and humming something to yourself when he talks about
himself. In time, he'll learn.
WEEK 4: UNDERCUT AND SECOND-GUESS.
At this point, the things she says should sound manipulative,
transparent, or utterly self-deluded. Does she really believe in
writing for writing's sake, or is she just in it for the money?
Could she really believe her script is worthwhile, when it's
obviously complete crap? Once you start doubting her intentions
and second-guessing her abilities, you just can't stop!
WEEK 5: BLAME, BLAME, BLAME!
If all has gone according to plan, by this point you should
associate most of the bad sides of your personality and, hence,
your life, with your partner. Doesn't it suddenly look like
everything bad in the world starts and ends with him? Good. Now
tell him so.
WEEK 6: THE BREAK-UP
Get angry, yell, cry, walk out, or all of the above. But whatever
you do, make sure that she knows, in no uncertain terms, that
everything wrong with the relationship is the direct result
of some defect in her personality, and that, as far as you can
tell, she'll never manage to sustain a healthy relationship with
anyone, ever.*
*Resist the urge to accept the wedding invitation you'll get
within a year.
FREE AT LAST!
At last, you're independent! Totally free! Unburdened by the will
and whims of another! Doesn't it feel great?
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