FIN-DE-SIECLE DATING

SO, YOU WANT TO FALL IN LOVE!

What the hell is wrong with you? Love is a construct of consumerist society designed to sucker people into two-for-one deals, escalating from romantic dinners to couples trips to Cancun, then metastasizing grotesquely into Family Paks and trips to Disneyland (much, much more expensive and far less fun).

You don't actually think that any two people could stand to be in each other's faces like that, do you? Of course not! The real couples are the ones you see whispering furiously at each other over what to order at that Chinese restaurant, chain-smoking and one-upping each other in that crowded bar, or walking, silent and stony-faced, three feet apart, after another heated fight about who is more selfish and insensitive.

But now and then you'll have one too many drinks, and suddenly you'll think True Love is, in fact, not only possible, but also the source of much happiness. That's when you need to examine FIGURE 1 (below). This very complicated but telling chart, which is based on massive amounts of complicated data extracted from intense psychosocial investigation, explains the origins of romantic love.

But, with Valentine's Day just two weeks away, you're probably looking for a last-minute significant other, if only to shelter you from the brief feelings of meaninglessness induced by the coming holiday. You can always dump them on the 15th.

So find a mate, pronto! Just be sure you know whom to avoid...

WOMEN TO AVOID!

These women will make your life miserable. Avoid them or live with their bullshit henceforth.

THE GIRLY GIRL

Wants: A really cute boyfriend, a smaller ass, more gold jewelry.

Needs: Angst, depression, or any challenging situation that'll snap her out of her Barbie phase.

Mainly Concentrating On: Not eating too many of your french fries.

Benefits: Laughs at your jokes. Never gets heavy or neurotic. Doesn't ask much. Drinks a lot.

Drawbacks: Never says a thing of interest. May be an idiot or a genius, but it's impossible to tell.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Wrote "Fuck You" in red permanent marker all over the bathroom in 6th grade.

THE WOMANLY WOMAN

Wants: Your undivided infatuation.

Needs: A smack upside the head.

Mainly Concentrating On: Smiling in that tight-lipped way that accentuates her cheekbones.

Benefits: She seems to listen, care, and reach multiple orgasms. Dresses impeccably, loves dogs and children, makes good banana bread. Women hate her; men covet her.

Drawbacks: She isn't actually listening, caring, or coming. Kicks dogs and screams at children when you're not watching. Banana bread sucks. Women hate her for a very good reason. Men covet her because they're stupid.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Grew up in Ohio.

PSYCHOBABBLE MAMA

Wants: To "workshop her emotions" with a fellow "old soul."

Needs: To watch football for a few hours without opening her fucking mouth.

Mainly Concentrating On: How to get to the heart of what's "real."

Benefits: Seeks to truly understand you.

Drawbacks: Will use this understanding to a) manipulate you into doing what she wants and b) make you feel guilty for everything wrong in her life.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Ate a steak two years ago and liked it.

LITTLE MS. SMARTY-PANTS

Wants: To make everyone around her look stupid.

Needs: To be publicly mocked and chided.

Mainly Concentrating On: What she just read in The New Yorker.

Benefits: Has a lot of interesting observations on the junkie trend in fashion advertising, the low-fi trend in alternative music, and the memoir trend in fiction.

Drawbacks: Sounds condescending even when she asks you to pass the butter. Will make you look like an idiot, just for a good laugh. Probably reads Suck... or works there.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Spends more time discussing literature than reading books.

THE RULES GIRL

Wants: A commitment, so you can be as miserable as she is.

Needs: To be committed.

Mainly Concentrating On: The color scheme of her bridesmaids' dresses.

Benefits: Seemingly upbeat and agreeable. Wears lipstick when jogging.

Drawbacks: More cunning than a backwoods trapper. Wears lipstick when jogging.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Went off the pill last week... but she'll tell you eventually.

THAT FUCKING BITCH

Wants: Someone who has just one original thought in his head.

Needs: To give up on men entirely.

Mainly Concentrating On: What a fucking idiot you are.

Benefits: Fiercely independent. Won't let you indulge in self-denial or delusional thinking. Won't let you ramble on about stupid shit.

Drawbacks: Won't let you have a moment's peace.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Doesn't even like you that much.

MEN TO AVOID!

They'll drive you to drink, so stay away.

THE GUY'S GUY

Wants: A chick with a hot bod who knows how to have fun!

Needs: A shower, a job, a year in a dark and wintry place.

Mainly Concentrating On: Havin' fun, dude!

Benefits: Has good drugs. Usually from California, where the men are open-minded about strong-headed women.

Drawbacks: Doesn't read. Doesn't like long conversations. Prefers not to think.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Doesn't know how to surf.

THE MANLY MAN

Wants: A woman who'll shut up and listen.

Needs: A woman who'll beat the shit out of him regularly.

Mainly Concentrating On: What he's about to say.

Benefits: Stable, dependable. Reads the paper so you don't have to. Buys expensive bottles of wine.

Drawbacks: One of the most boring individuals you'll ever meet.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Likes to be spanked.

MONSIEUR INSECURE

Wants: Complete devotion from the right woman.

Needs: Therapy.

Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not you love him nearly as much as he loves you.

Benefits: Unbelievably interested in what you have to say. Makes you a mixed tape every two weeks.

Drawbacks: You're not that interesting, which must mean he's stupid. Mixed tapes feature songs by Don Henley.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Once forgot his and his girlfriend's third month-iversary.

THE SPORTING GUY

Wants: A woman who knows who Grant Hill is.

Needs: A breath of fresh air and a glass of water.

Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not he'll miss the next showing of SportsCenter.

Benefits: Easy to neglect or ignore for long periods of time during seasonal play-offs. Keeps large quantities of beer and snack food within easy reach.

Drawbacks: Too obvious to bear a mention.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Can't remember where Chris Mullin played as an undergraduate.

ANTI-EVERYTHING MAN

Wants: Another band with the raw inventiveness of the Stooges.

Needs: A pop to the dome.

Mainly Concentrating On: How typically typical you are.

Benefits: There's something sexy about his shitty attitude, even though it does stem from his hatred of his mother.

Drawbacks: Any man who hates his mother will make your life complete hell.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Didn't get laid until he was 23.

THAT SCHLEMIEL FROM NEW YORK

Wants: A chance to tell a good, mean joke.

Needs: Elevator shoes. Rogaine.

Mainly Concentrating On: How to make you laugh by insulting you, your friends, and your mother.

Benefits: Loyal. Smart. Hilariously funny. Extremely affectionate.

Drawbacks: Short. Temperamental. Becomes "The Sporting Guy" if a New York team makes the playoffs.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Sleeps with a teddy bear named "Moopsy."

MR. CAPITALIST FUCKHEAD

Wants: A higher return on his investment. A shinier car.

Needs: A year with four hungry children and not a crop in the field.

Mainly Concentrating On: His mutual fund's performance.

Benefits: Is rich, and getting richer.

Drawbacks: Believes in prenuptial agreements.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Thinks empathy is a kind of Mexican desert filled with apples.

Um... who's left?

No one! Everyone loses.

Sooo... Who ends up with whom?

Make your own guesses, then tune in to Filler next Wednesday to find out!