Part 1: Finding That Special Anyone!
SO, YOU WANT TO FALL IN LOVE!
What the hell is wrong with you? Love is a construct of
consumerist society designed to sucker people into two-for-one
deals, escalating from romantic dinners to couples trips to
Cancun, then metastasizing grotesquely into Family Paks and trips
to Disneyland (much, much more expensive and far less fun).
You don't actually think that any two people could stand to be in
each other's faces like that, do you? Of course not! The real
couples are the ones you see whispering furiously at each other
over what to order at that Chinese restaurant, chain-smoking and
one-upping each other in that crowded bar, or walking, silent and
stony-faced, three feet apart, after another heated fight about who is
more selfish and insensitive.
But now and then you'll have one too many drinks, and suddenly
you'll think True Love is, in fact, not only possible, but
also the source of much happiness. That's when you need to
examine FIGURE 1 (below). This very complicated but telling chart,
which is based on massive amounts of complicated data extracted
from intense psychosocial investigation, explains the
origins of romantic love.
FIGURE 1. ROMANTIC LOVE
But, with Valentine's Day just two weeks away, you're probably
looking for a last-minute significant other, if only to shelter
you from the brief feelings of meaninglessness induced by the
coming holiday. You can always dump them on the 15th.
So find a mate, pronto! Just be sure you know whom to avoid...
WOMEN TO AVOID!
These women will make your life miserable. Avoid them or live with
their bullshit henceforth.
THE GIRLY GIRL
Wants: A really cute boyfriend, a smaller ass, more gold
Needs: Angst, depression, or any challenging situation
that'll snap her out of her Barbie phase.
Mainly Concentrating On: Not eating too many of your french
Benefits: Laughs at your jokes. Never gets heavy or
neurotic. Doesn't ask much. Drinks a lot.
Drawbacks: Never says a thing of interest. May be an idiot
or a genius, but it's impossible to tell.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Wrote "Fuck You" in red permanent
marker all over the bathroom in 6th grade.
THE WOMANLY WOMAN
Wants: Your undivided infatuation.
Needs: A smack upside the head.
Mainly Concentrating On: Smiling in that tight-lipped way
that accentuates her cheekbones.
Benefits: She seems to listen, care, and reach multiple
orgasms. Dresses impeccably, loves dogs and children, makes good
banana bread. Women hate her; men covet her.
Drawbacks: She isn't actually listening, caring, or coming.
Kicks dogs and screams at children when you're not watching.
Banana bread sucks. Women hate her for a very good reason. Men
covet her because they're stupid.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Grew up in Ohio.
Wants: To "workshop her emotions" with a fellow "old soul."
Needs: To watch football for a few hours without opening
her fucking mouth.
Mainly Concentrating On: How to get to the heart of what's
Benefits: Seeks to truly understand you.
Drawbacks: Will use this understanding to a) manipulate you
into doing what she wants and b) make you feel guilty for
everything wrong in her life.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Ate a steak two years ago and liked
LITTLE MS. SMARTY-PANTS
Wants: To make everyone around her look stupid.
Needs: To be publicly mocked and chided.
Mainly Concentrating On: What she just read in The New
Benefits: Has a lot of interesting observations on the
junkie trend in fashion advertising, the low-fi trend in
alternative music, and the memoir trend in fiction.
Drawbacks: Sounds condescending even when she asks you to
pass the butter. Will make you look like an idiot, just for a good
laugh. Probably reads Suck... or works there.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Spends more time discussing
literature than reading books.
THE RULES GIRL
Wants: A commitment, so you can be as miserable as she is.
Needs: To be committed.
Mainly Concentrating On: The color scheme of her
Benefits: Seemingly upbeat and agreeable. Wears lipstick
Drawbacks: More cunning than a backwoods trapper. Wears
lipstick when jogging.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Went off the pill last week...
but she'll tell you eventually.
THAT FUCKING BITCH
Wants: Someone who has just one original thought in his
Needs: To give up on men entirely.
Mainly Concentrating On: What a fucking idiot you are.
Benefits: Fiercely independent. Won't let you indulge in
self-denial or delusional thinking. Won't let you ramble on about
Drawbacks: Won't let you have a moment's peace.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Doesn't even like you that much.
MEN TO AVOID!
They'll drive you to drink, so stay away.
THE GUY'S GUY
Wants: A chick with a hot bod who knows how to have fun!
Needs: A shower, a job, a year in a dark and wintry place.
Mainly Concentrating On: Havin' fun, dude!
Benefits: Has good drugs. Usually from California, where
the men are open-minded about strong-headed women.
Drawbacks: Doesn't read. Doesn't like long conversations.
Prefers not to think.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Doesn't know how to surf.
THE MANLY MAN
Wants: A woman who'll shut up and listen.
Needs: A woman who'll beat the shit out of him regularly.
Mainly Concentrating On: What he's about to say.
Benefits: Stable, dependable. Reads the paper so you don't
have to. Buys expensive bottles of wine.
Drawbacks: One of the most boring individuals you'll ever
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Likes to be spanked.
Wants: Complete devotion from the right woman.
Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not you love him nearly
as much as he loves you.
Benefits: Unbelievably interested in what you have to say.
Makes you a mixed tape every two weeks.
Drawbacks: You're not that interesting, which must mean
he's stupid. Mixed tapes feature songs by Don Henley.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Once forgot his and his
girlfriend's third month-iversary.
THE SPORTING GUY
Wants: A woman who knows who Grant Hill is.
Needs: A breath of fresh air and a glass of water.
Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not he'll miss the next
showing of SportsCenter.
Benefits: Easy to neglect or ignore for long periods of
time during seasonal play-offs. Keeps large quantities of beer and
snack food within easy reach.
Drawbacks: Too obvious to bear a mention.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Can't remember where Chris Mullin
played as an undergraduate.
Wants: Another band with the raw inventiveness of the
Needs: A pop to the dome.
Mainly Concentrating On: How typically typical you are.
Benefits: There's something sexy about his shitty attitude,
even though it does stem from his hatred of his mother.
Drawbacks: Any man who hates his mother will make your life
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Didn't get laid until he was 23.
THAT SCHLEMIEL FROM NEW YORK
Wants: A chance to tell a good, mean joke.
Needs: Elevator shoes. Rogaine.
Mainly Concentrating On: How to make you laugh by insulting
you, your friends, and your mother.
Benefits: Loyal. Smart. Hilariously funny. Extremely
Drawbacks: Short. Temperamental. Becomes "The Sporting Guy"
if a New York team makes the playoffs.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Sleeps with a teddy bear named
MR. CAPITALIST FUCKHEAD
Wants: A higher return on his investment. A shinier car.
Needs: A year with four hungry children and not a crop in
Mainly Concentrating On: His mutual fund's performance.
Benefits: Is rich, and getting richer.
Drawbacks: Believes in prenuptial agreements.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Thinks empathy is a kind of
Mexican desert filled with apples.
Um... who's left?
No one! Everyone loses.
Sooo... Who ends up with whom?
Make your own guesses, then tune in to Filler next Wednesday to