S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 15 January 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 

Filler: 01.15.97
 

BLAMESTORMING

"Blamestorming: To sit around and discuss why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who's responsible. Like brainstorming, from which it is derived, blamestorming is done with little regard for the quality of contributions to the discussion." [Wired, 2/97]

 

Namestorming: To sit around and discuss new terms and puns that are currently popular for the purpose of filling up a 1" x 4" sidebar, while perpetuating your publication's "trendy" or "in-the-know" slant.

 

Feignstorming: To pretend to contribute to a brainstorming session by talking loudly and endlessly while waving your hands around and squinting into the distance, as if you can spot the Next Big Thing if you look hard enough.

 

Lamestorming: To sit around and criticize why everything and everyone in America is lame, usually ending with a plan to leave the country.

 

Famestorming: To sit around and mull over various easy ways to become famous, and what one would do once famous. Sessions usually end with a call to 1. the organizer of an open mike night, 2. an agent, 3. a therapist.

 

Framestorming: To dream up ways to redesign your site using frames. Framestorming is done with little regard for the usefulness of the frames, the reader's perspective, or the downloading time for those without T1 connections.

 

Samestorming: To beat a joke into the ground by producing far too many slight variations on the same theme.

 
 

 
 

MORE PROOF THAT THE SPECIES IS MUTATING

Van Toffler, Executive Vice President of MTV Productions on the success of the Beavis and Butthead movie: "It reaffirms our belief that there is an audience out there if you speak to them in ways that are meaningful to them..." [Variety, 12/24/96]

College student Paul Esker: "Pooh gives you a good, warm fuzzy feeling," [Wall Street Journal, 1/2/97]

Raymond Leopold, chief technology officer of Iridium, Motorola's quest for a satellite-based wireless telephone system: "If you believe in God, Iridium is God manifesting himself through us." [Wall Street Journal, 12/16/96]

Kurt Russell: "Men are not supposed to see one woman and only desire one woman. I meant, that's just science - if the species doesn't mutate, it'll die. Women have to understand this." [Vanity Fair, 1/97]

 
 

REVENGE OF THE NEO-NERDS!

VR enthusiast in an interview on MSNBC's "The Site": "These are not geeks. They're neo-nerds."

 

MY OWN PRIVATE IDLE HO

Moody "art" flick in which overworked, angst-ridden nerds stumble on a world of beautiful sluts with a lot of free time on their hands and, strangely enough, a willingness to serve in exchange for technology stock options.

 

GAINSPOTTING

Nifty neo-nerds sit all day in front of their computer screens, waiting for their mutual funds to gain a few points. Later, the nerds convene at the set of an MTV video, each dressed like a member of Oasis. Countless high jinks and wacky tricks follow, effectively glamorizing the otherwise terribly unglamorous world of investment.

 

BOXING MACARENA

The suspenseful tale of one entrepreneurial nerd's crazy scheme to package and sell the Macarena through retail outlets nationwide. A whirlwind success story that'll warm any money-grubbing dork to the tip of his wingtipped toesies.

 

THE ENGLISH MUFFIN

One English muffin, burnt beyond recognition. One high-cheekboned but frightfully bland woman who, in an act of mind-numbingly stupid benevolence, spreads butter on him every morning in an effort to save him from the garbage pail. Warming to his sexy nurse, the muffin recalls the adventures that led up to that fateful day when someone accidentally set the toaster on "Very Dark."

 

 

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon

 

 
 
 





Polly Esther