THERE IS NO BLOODY RESOLUTION!
Not suffering from Resolution Anxiety? We can't have that, now,
FOLLOW THESE STEPS!
You see, Resolution Anxiety is a natural part
of any adult's healthy psychological development, like commitment
phobia or deep-seated resentment towards family members. Without a
yearly period of crisis and self-evaluation, you'll never know
what in your life needs to change. Not that you'll ever change it,
of course. But we think you should suffer just like we do,
THE GOAL When you're suffering from R.A., this is what your brain
should look like.
Ask yourself: Am I half the person I should be?
If your answer is YES: Stop lying to yourself. Repeat Step 1.
If your answer is NO: Don't you feel small now? Good. Go to the
Take a minute and think about all the:
Letters you haven't written
People you haven't called
Laundry you haven't done
Books you haven't read
Books you haven't written
Places you haven't been
Cities you haven't seen
Countries you haven't led
People you haven't met
People who wouldn't meet you if you wanted them to
People you haven't slept with
People who wouldn't sleep with you for all the tea in China
Instruments you can't play
Worthy causes you haven't helped
Things you don't know
Things you couldn't understand if you tried
When it boils down to it, you really haven't done shit, have you?
Now think of all the marginally talented, annoying people
who're wildly popular and unbelievably successful (and you're
not). For example, Alanis Morrisette. Or Douglas Coupland. Jon
Katz. Cliff Stoll. Jenny McCarthy. Art Alexakis. Liam Gallagher.
Kennedy, for godsakes. Hell, even Brooke Shields has her own
sitcom. These people should be complete losers! Oh, but uh, YOU
are instead, see?
By now, you should be in a state of utter despair and
self-loathing, and should be considering at least three or four of
Going to grad school
Dropping everything and moving
Starting a business or charity
Running for office
Leaving your spouse
Dropping your friends
Dropping out of society
Doing heavy drugs
Eating a few pounds of chocolate
You're on the right track!
Now that you're feeling more anxious than a heifer on an
anthill, you're probably ready to write down some of these
resolutions. Don't do it! It'll just make you feel worse
when you find the list a year from now and see you haven't changed
a damn thing.
Instead, just go to a local bar with some friends
and complain about all the things you'd like to change about your
life. By the end of the night, you'll be too drunk to remember a
thing - instead, you'll just wake with an undeniable sense of
vague dissatisfaction and unfocused longing that will grow and
grow until the day you die.
Congratulations! You're done! And, uh,
welcome to the human race.