"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
Smells Like Team Spirit
Fantasy league football kicked
off early this year.
"This will not be a mean and
divisive campaign," promised Bob
Dole, basking in the glow of his
party's newfound love. "Jack and
I are going to get along just
fine." Indeed, the Dole-Kemp
alliance seemed to blossom
overnightfrom total aversion to
touchy-feely effusion, a
whirlwind affair proclaimed
under the heat of the media
spotlight with sweaty palms,
sheepish grins, and dewy-eyed
declarations of undying
affection. "Bob, you're the
quarterback and I'm your
blocker," enthused the Buffalo
Bill turned blushing bride.
"We're going all the way!"
More remarkable than Kemp's
transformation from play-caller
to cheerleader, however, was the
debut of the brand-new Bob Dole.
Less a pep rally than an
exercise in boudoir photography,
San Diego gave Citizen Dole a
makeover that put even the
hardhearted media in the mood.
Tanned, energetic, fitted with a
man walking to don the mantle of
a legitimate contender. Suddenly
Dole's pen wasn't the only thing
with a spring in it - a
postconvention bounce landed him
within single digits of the Oval
Office. "This is a great
awakening in Bob Dole," crowed a
Pennsylvania delegate. "Bob Dole
has come out."
Now, Liz Smith has pronounced
that dykes just passed spikes as
the Hollywood fad du jour, and
drag's still all the rage on
The straight tabs, so it seems,
have even caught a mild case of
the "outing bug."
But trendspotting's no substitute
for good old-fashioned gaydar.
So don't expect "Butch As I
Wanna Be" Bob to step off the
Citizen's Ship in silk gloves
and a veil. While Kemp has long
been rumoredto be a
card-carrying member of the
Congressional closet crowd, no
one's ever accused the erstwhile
majority leader of representing
that ten percent.
On the other hand, Dole is a
master of compromising
positions. And what better way
to mend fences - after shoring
up his weakened right wing by
disavowing funds from the GOP
sweater set - than to draft
someone who plays for both
teams? Despite Kemp's
homophobic rhetoric, the Log
Cabin Clubseems quite
comfortable claiming him as one
of their own: "Jack Kemp is Mr.
Big Tent. He defines inclusion."
For his part, the self-styled
upfront about pushing the
party's envelope. "I'm going to
go places where no Republican
candidate has ever gone," Kemp
says, intimating - perhaps -
that he'll be stumping in
Stonewall as well as South
Sometimes, however, marriage is a
sentence, not a word. Witness
the breakup of fashion's First
Couple, Calvin and Kelly Klein.
Striking a happy balance for the
better part of a decade, cK's
corporate merger seems to have
fallen victim to his "obsession"
with androgynous youth. Even a
match made in marketing heaven
can go to hell.
No one knows this better than Bob
Dole. Once divorced, he's
already got the perfect
political wife. Now he must
juggle the demands of two
domestic partnerships with
younger, more mediagenic running
mates. When the honeymoon's
over, when enterprise zones are
no longer erogenous and talk of
a flat tax fails to excite, Kemp
may tire of bending over for the
snap and follow the whine of his
political libido. And by the
time his rigorously scripted sex
appeal starts flagging, Bob Dole
may have lost his taste for both
courtesy of Bartleby