S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 27 June 1996. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 

 
Hit & Run XL

 

[SeaQuest]

There are those that call

Pointcast "the next best thing

to TV on your desktop." We like

to think they simply lifted our

pitch for Cool Press Release of

the Day. Still, we have to admit

that watching today's tech stock

prices plunge was the giddy

equivalent of a ringside seat at

a particularly harrowing Extreme

Wrestling match - everything

from AOL to Yahoo is getting hit

hard, in what appears to be a

no-holds barred bloodbath. Then

again, perhaps what we're really

watching SeaQuest dsv... after

all, the stock of every single

search engine gone public has

sunk way below sea level.

 

[ Green Good]

Green declares itself a

financial zine, but we nearly

lost our crullers when we

stumbled across an article

titled "Stripping for Dollars" -

versus, say, Stripping for

Burgers (versus, say, Stripping

for Bulgers): "Though Fasha is a

tall, leggy blonde with fake

boobs, she still must work to

get men to buy a dance." This is

supposedly "[a]imed at an

audience whose bullshit detector

is finely tuned"? Maybe ours is

out of batteries or something.

Then again, all it takes is the

quickest glance into the wide

world of investing before one

starts to wonder why only those

wine-tasting, Saab-driving

neo-yuppies should get the

thrill of selling short on

c|net, while the rest of us

carelessly shove our money in

pillow cases and forget about

it. With this discrepancy in

mind, Green sets out to provide

financial advice to those who

need it the most: careless types

who aren't interested in

financial advice. The simplest

concepts are sometimes the most

brilliant. That must explain

Green's skinny on strippers.

 

[Teeth]

Lollapolooza may have turned into

the Goldman Sachs of summer

festivals (now underwriting blue

chips like Metallica instead of

risky small caps like Nick

Cave), but this can't be due

to founder Perry Farrell's

financial advice (gleaned from

the pages of Details):

 
"My attitude about money is that 
one day it's going to be        
outmoded. It's an old format for
people who can't see colors     
well... I think in the faraway  
future, we will be able to swap 
work through color              
identification and we won't need
money at all. So if you're      
driven by money, then you're    
kind of an outmoded person."   

While it's musings like this that

make us wonder what exactly

filled the void after the 'looza

leader kicked horse, this

particular rant is actually

reassuring to those who might

visit Teeth, 'cuz this kind of

shit sure ain't sponsorable.

 

[ Amiga]

Finally, it's not too late to

take the money you pared from a

rotting Apple and sink your

teeth into VIScorp (NASDAQ:

VICP). Sure, you thought the

Internet-capable Pippin was

going to make the stock pipin'

hot, and the announcement of the

Newton Internet Enabler didn't

quite stop the falling Apple,

but the Amiga still has a posse.

Commodore may have gone down the

commode, and Escom, the Amiga's

German-based second owner,

absconded (after over $86

million in losses last year),

but the Amiga's found a new

friend in ITV developer VIScorp,

which hopes to ship a settop box

which uses the Amiga OS by early

1997. And in what's sure to be a

closely-watched intellectual

property rights battle, VIScorp

plans on aggressively defending

the Amiga technology from those

who would produce Amiga clones.

Secure in our choice of

investment securities, we'll

cruise the Web with our favorite

Amiga Web browser while we wait

for the ColecoVision Java

cartridge to ship.

 
 
 
courtesy of the Sucksters