S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 26 June 1996. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 

 
Sex and the Single URL

 

[Helen]

Ok, so you've exchanged smoky

glances at a CFP bar BOF. Mutual

friends forwarded an absolutely

adorable post he made to one of

the cypherpunk lists. And he

sent you a deliciously inviting

postcard from his favorite

impoverished Caribbean island,

where he hopes to set up an

anonymous-remailer offshore

banking paradise! So what do you

do to tease, please, and capture

the heart of your

technolibertarian?

 

Use these easy-to-follow hints

and you, too, may find yourself

one Sunday afternoon cuddling by

a roaring fire in a Pescadero

cabin, talking about digital

cash! After all, there's nothing

wrong with a modern girl

exchanging PGP keys on a first

date with the

right anarcho-capitalist!

 

[UAW]

Fashion tips:

 

DO wear your "This Shirt is a

Munition" RSA t-shirt.

 

DON'T wear your "Solidarity

Forever UPIU/AIW Local 837

Lock-Out" t-shirt.

 

[Modern Primitives]

Accessories/props:

 

DO have on your coffee table

the original, green-cover

edition of Bionomics; hardcover

edition of Out of Control; Crossing the

Chasm; photocopy of True Names;

an original French-language

issue of Barbarella; the

Re/Search Modern Primitives

issue; the Economist with your

subscriber label discreetly

visible; a 1985 issue of Reason

(to show you are an early

adopter); fundraising appeal

from The Progress and Freedom

Foundation.

 

DON'T have on your coffee table

Savage Inequalities; Which Side

Are You On; Resisting the

Virtual Life; Why Things Fight

Back; The New York Review of

Books; Sierra; Z; Paris

Review; any novel that's not

science fiction or a

technothriller; fundraising

appeal from the Silicon Valley

Toxics Coalition.

 

[Hayek]

Conversation:

 

DO mention how your life was

changed forever when you first

read Ayn Rand in 11th grade.

DO say that you think all

relationships are contractual,

even romantic ones. DO say

that you find him so sexy that

you can imagine that all the

netchicks on alt.polyamory would

want him. DO mention your

fling with the astrophysics

professor. DO say that FDR was

the worst president this country

ever had. DO drop these names:

Friedrich Hayek; Robert

Heinlein; George Gilder; David

Chaum; Terence Mckenna; Tom Ray;

Hans Moravec; George Mason

University. DO use these

conversation starters:

intelligent agents; sovereignty

of cyberspace self-organization.

 

[Chomski]

DON'T mention your fling with

the liberal FCC commissioner.

DON'T talk about your internship

with CALPIRG. DON'T tell him

that at one point you were

considering a career as an art

therapist. DON'T tell him

about your best friend, the

urban planner, who uses HUD

money to develop low-income

housing. DON'T mention Lyndon

LaRouche. DON'T drop these

names: Ben Bagdikian, Upton

Sinclair, Berthold Brecht,

Barbara Ehrenreich, Carol

Gilligan, Rachel Carson, Noam

Chomsky, the EPA. DON'T use

these conversation killers: the

40-year decline in corporate

taxation; stockholder lawsuits;

CEO compensation packages;

maquilladoras; vulnerability.

And if you really don't want to

spend next Saturday night alone

with your cat Patches,

absolutely DON'T mention OSHA.

And don't EVER catch yourself

using the phrase "I can just

tell, and no, I can't explain

how I know it."

 

At any dinner party you organize

for the two of you:

 

[Nethead]

DO make sure there is at least

one person present who a) has

actually been inside the NSA; or

b) owns founder's stock in a

company that has held its value

for more than a year after it

went public; or c) has close

ties with a venture capitalist.

 

[Multi Cultural Media]

DON'T invite anyone who a) has

worked in any Democratic Party

political campaign; or b) would

ever use the words

"multicultural" or "diversity"

in a sentence, without irony; or

c) does volunteer work,

especially for the homeless.

 

Where to go and what to do:

 

[Cryogenic Frog]

DO plan a a dream date which

might include any two of the

following: United Taxpayers

Association luau; Digital

Liberty potluck; Software Forum

ice cream social; Freedom

Forum's rave; dinner at the Lion

and Compass Lecture at the

Churchill Club; browsing in the

nanotechnology section at

Kepler's.

 

DO act enthusiastic when he

wants to take you to a kicky

Extropian party in the Santa

Cruz mountains, even if you feel

like you will scream if you hear

the phrases "command and

control" and "cryptographic

algorithm" one more time. After

all, what makes him such a dear

are his kooky economic models

and his insane paranoia about

the government - any government.

And DON'T pout if he starts

talking about black helicopters.

Again.

 

[Corset]

DON'T sulk if he wants to make

that romantic vacation you were

planning as a sojourn at HOHOCON

or DEFCON; DO think of it as a

chance for your man to show you

off to the miminum of 12 guys

per square foot that will

surround your every move. Let

him be proud of you. Girl, this

is your chance to strut your

stuff with that cute leather

outfit you ordered from Stormy

Leather to wear just for him.

DON'T suggest attending a Sunday

morning service at Glide

Memorial Church. DON'T take

him to the Berkeley Rose Garden,

which was built by the WPA.

DON'T take him to a production

of Ibsen's An Enemy of the

People.

 

[Doris]

Follow these tips and see if your

man doesn't let you choose what

to do for your next date if you

oh-so-casually let it slip that

it's that divine Philip K. Dick

you wish you could have met when

he was still alive, instead of

talking about your regret about

not going up to Doris Lessing

when you heard her speak at the

Edinburgh Fringe.

 

How to tell when he is getting

serious:

 

HE shares his best tax-evasion

schemes with you. After all,

what better way to start the

nest egg for both of your futures

than with money snatched from

the tyranny and enslavement of

Washington! HE says that

you're the kind of girl that he

would consider, if he were into

contract cohabitation.




courtesy of Justine