"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 13 June 1996. Updated every WEEKDAY.




It's an inescapable fact that

there's only one certainty in

"securities" - whether the

individual investor gets ahead

or falls behind, he keeps

pumpin' his wad into his broker.

Apparently unsatisfied with

taking it in from both ends, the

online discount brokerage

e*trade exposed its plans to

engage in a little

auto-stimulation by filing with

the SEC for a public offering.

True, an IPO for an

Internet-related company that's

actually seeing a profit may

seem like risky business, but it

would be unfair to expect every

stock to match Netscape's

stellar valuation. For those

still eager to get in on the

action, what better way to

evaluate the service than by

buying into it? Remember - every

time you make a trade for

e*trade on e*trade, you increase

the value of your e*trade

investment. Finally,

net.investing's ups and downs

have a little less bump and

grind through the bliss of

perpetual motion.



In order to better serve our

readers, we ask that you take

the time to fill out this brief



Which of the following best

describes what you want out of

the Web?


  • Well-organized, thoughtful, and

    humorous commentary about both

    hipster scenes and popcult pap,

    with some focus on the net.


  • Cool stuff to buy.


    What, can't decide? How on

    earth can we give you

    what you want if you don't

    tell us what that is? Oh,

    perhaps it's just too much to

    expect that people will both

    describe the kind of cake they

    want and buy it from you too.

    But on the other side of the

    counter is Matador Central,

    where they're doing a pretty good

    job of delivering the goods even

    as they speak through a mouthful of

    crumbs themselves. "A Rational

    Argument for Lying on Surveys"

    is an exhaustively researched and

    thoroughly entertaining look at

    psychographic studies,

    particularly as used on the Web.

    While we might quibble with the

    some of the arguments, how can

    we find fault with the

    conclusion: "Help Support the

    Fight to Bring Back Anonymous,

    Impersonal Selling!!! (at least

    for everyone but us)." Yeah,

    what they said - especially that

    last part.



    In a move that aligns them more

    closely with Singapore than

    Indonesia, Sun has stepped up

    its efforts to dominate the Java

    brand name. In a letter sent out

    last month, Sun's lawyers

    attempted to have the 20-year-

    old Javan Enterprises Inc. drop

    the use of the domain name

    javanco.com. True, the

    capacitors, resistors, and

    electronics Javan sells do have

    a slightly technical sound to

    them, and if forced into your

    computer, they might make it

    crash, but it's still unlikely

    the next generation of heat

    shrink tubing is going to be

    confused for an object-oriented

    programming language. It's been

    a while since this sort of

    useless trademarking has been

    seen on the net, but with

    companies running willy-nilly to

    register the domains of

    companies whose only

    product is a cheap laugh

    (yajsu.com was registered last

    week), it's a tradition likely

    to continue.



    Even if gold teeth, coke bullets,

    and cool suede kicks have failed

    to dominate South Park and

    Silicon Alley, enterprising Web

    producers know a thing or two

    about the travails of

    bitch-slapping HTML and

    content-hos alike into

    submission. Thankfully, the

    refined gentlemen at pimpz.org

    have sensed this unexploited,

    info-hungry community and

    rewarded it with its own

    sophisticated gazette:

    polyester - not to be confused

    with our own beat-down

    administrating scribe. Some

    might scoff at the notion that

    the average pimp's skill set is

    of relevance, and might even

    protest the raw misogyny

    involved, but with so many

    skank-ass Sucksters for hire,

    the importance of care and

    feeding for the 21st-century

    bottom-dealer cannot be denied.



    Guess all those blue ribbons

    worked, huh?

    courtesy of the Sucksters