S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 12 January 1996. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 

 
Dig We Must

[Cooool!]

Good Morning!

 

I want to tell you about a wet

dream I just had.

 

It's the night before MacWorld

Expo opens in San Francisco,

January 1996. I'm in a ballroom

at the Marriott Hotel. I'm

naked. I smell musky. There's a

very interesting energy in the

room. People are looking at me.

 

In the background a gospel angel

is belting it out.

 

Just a little bit. Just a little

bit. Sock it to me!

 

She's moaning and wailing.

 

So am I.

 

I glance down at my badge.

 

I see my name.

 

Dave Wiener.

 

Under my name is my title.

 

CEO.

 

Under that is the name of the

company.

 

Apple Computer, Inc.

 

Uhhhhhhh.

 

Ohhhhhhh.

 

Yeah!

 

And then, I wake up.

 

But what if it wasn't a

dream? What would I do?

 

To start, I'd replace all of

Apple's negative energy with

clean energy that's flowing. I

would lay off all the employees

with bad vibes. I'd let them

feel the pain and learn from it,

then let go. Share the pain.

 

Step two. The next Apple product.

No more OpenDoc, no more

CyberDog. New paradigms, no way.

Not from a Dave Wiener-headed

Apple.

 

I would give them the MacBird.

Get it? It's for Macs only, and

it's the bird. It's a networked

UI that looks like Hypercard,

leaving users nostalgically

wanting MORE.

 

If the product didn't sell, we

would give it away. If you can't

sell something, make it free.

 

Cooooool.

 

Next, I'd find something new and

pretty with really nice legs,

but not one of those developer

sluts. When a developer calls

and asks if you want to make

love, the correct answer is YES.

But if that cute little nut

doesn't clean and press my

shirts the next morning, she's

on the back porch. Remember,

Platform is Chinese Household.

 

OK Dave, calm down. Go with the

flow. It's coooool.

 

Finally, I'd have Apple adopt a

new marketing campaign. "We Make

Shitty Software... With Bugs!"

It makes me laugh!

 

I'm zoooooooooming!

 

The big picture: I'm filled with

contradictions. So what? Yeah!

 

I'm going for it!

 

Let's have fun!

 

[Signature]

PS: I love you!

 

PPS: MORE is not an acronym.

 

PPPS: I forgive you!

 

PPPPS: This piece is running in

the current issue of Blindside,

on newsstands today. And on my

Luserland site. And on HowTired.

And in Suck. Cooool. Hehehe

heeheheee.




courtesy of Webster