The Suckers Bite
Suck mail is like love letters
without the affection, hate mail
without the drool stains, and
mail bombs without the
bloodshed. And that's on our
bad days. You should see
the great stuff we get when we
really manage to piss you guys
We'll admit it - we're e-mail
junkies. And it's all your
fault. It's rare when twenty
minutes goes by without some
comment landing in our
mailboxes, rarer still when we
don't check our boxes ten to
twenty times in the interim.
Like unrepentant junkheads,
we've found our bliss and scam
hard to keep it coming.
And so what if all that mail is
merely an imitation of
communication? It works for us
at least as often as our verbal
spew works for you. In fact, we
thought we'd share some of the
gems we've collected (and give
ourselves a chance to answer
some we shouldn't have
forgotten). Why haven't you
written us yet?
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995
From: Rev. Ivan Stang
Subject: Poor Old "Bob"
X-Suck: Hit and Run
Thanks for saying something nice (!) about my website.
Isn't it kind of moot, though, to point out whether "Bob" is cool or
uncool this year? You guys are probably too young to remember, but this
is the EIGHTH TIME the Church has been uncool since 1979. And it never
really mattered to us one way or the other, since we don't have any
CHOICE in anything we do. Old god damn Pipe-Face calls the shots around
here. Blame HIM!!
Will we never understand Bob's ways? Bob woulda been a killer app a year or
so ago...he could have RULED the Web. But did he? No. Some Bobbie in the UK
put up a trivial rant, and that was more or less it in early '94...almost
two years later, you've come to save the Church from being out-netted by
the Scientologists, but we have to shake our heads at the lost opportunity.
Why, we ask?
Dobbs fucked up in the same way with that implant in the Amiga ROMs...where
was the Windows hack? Where? We only fear the forces of Bill are stronger
than the forces of Bob when it comes to controlling our primitive
Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995
From: Nesta Stubbs
Subject: Listen Kid, I wanna Make You A Star!!!!!
I work for a web design firm in Chicago, Cynico Network Consulting, and we're looking for rising talent. The WWW is the up and coming medium for marketing, advertisement and corporate public relations. We have worked with several major firms in the past, designing for them a comprehensive image on the multi-media net web. We feel that you could make hefty contributions to our company, in helping us implement WWW sites for our clients, such as Nancy
Reagan, Jesse Jackson, Joe Camel, and many more. We are prepared to make a
lucrative offer for your work. If you're interested contact me, please.
We were holding out for the mcdonalds.com gig. Think of it: the Ray Kroc experience in VRML. If we could only be a part of such small wonders...
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995
Subject: The Netscape "What's Cool" Page
X-Suck: "Dear Netscape"
Really sucks. In some ways, it might be best to NOT be on that page.
OK, we'll ask once again (and maybe this should go for Cool Site of the Day, too): what DOES it cost?
Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995
Subject: what's the deal?
who are you guys anyway? a bunch of college students
with a little free money and too much free time? or are you
some sort of bizarre commercial entity that makes money by
increasing coverage of media stuff by making fun of it?
back to the pipe...
We'll come clean. For the low, low price of $1000, our little bizarre commercial entity will write review of anything. Guaranteed hits - if not a guaranteed positive review - but it's all about hits, right? Send inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 1995
From: cam villar
Subject: (no subject)
Suck is very interesting, but...who put the bone up YOUR ass?
Hmmm. That would make a great website:
"Who put the Bone Up the Duke's Ass?" Like the Mr. Burns site without the Fox tie-in. Better yet, a CD-ROM adventure starring Harvey
Keitel as a ne'er-do-well detective whose investigation into the
sodomization of the Sucksters leads him into a criminal underworld where
"life is cheap...and webwork is cheaper."
From: Sterling Barrett
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995
Found this somewhere is my travels. What do you suppose it does to Netscape?
We haven't figured this one out yet. It seems that every time we try it, it crashes our browser. We'll keep trying...
Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995
From: Don Hopkins
Subject: NETSCAPE ALERT!!! NETSCAPE ALERT!!!
The one and only Netscape home page, the shining example of
state of the art cutting edge, make it up as you go along HTML
design that it is, that you get by clicking on the animated
Missile Command icon in the upper right corner of the browser,
is SYNTACTICALLY INCORRECT! It's missing the left angle
bracket before the title:
TITLE<Welcome to Netscape</TITLE>
So the browser displays "TITLE<Welcome to Netscape"
in the window header.
Well at least it isn't animated.
ell at least it isn't animated. W
ll at least it isn't animated. We
l at least it isn't animated. Wel
at least it isn't animated. Well ... it could be worse ...
TITLE>Welcome to Netscape
TITLE-Welcome to Netscape
TITL> Welcome to Netscape
TITL- Welcome to Netscape
TIT> Welcome to Netscape
TIT- Welcome to Netscape
TI> Welcome to Netscape
TI- Welcome to Netscape
T> Welcome to Netscape
T- Welcome to Netscape
> Welcome to Netscape
- Welcome to Netscape
Welcome to Netscape
We'll repeat after you: Welcome to Netscape.
Date: Sat, 7 Oct 1995
From: Flyp Doink
You guys are neat. I filled my bookmark
file with hundreds of Sucks, and got rid
of every non-Suckarific reference. I've
no need for dumb sites like Yahoo, Lycos
or The House of Socks. I have been for-
ever spoiled by your Suckfulness, like a
clueless tourist holding a newborn bear cub.
Now my mom won't even recognize me. She
says I smell "Sucky."
Who would've known?
And all before the Suck merchandising campaign goes into full swing! Look soon for tastefully overstated accoutrements to your Suck lifestyle, including Suck t-shirts, Suck baseball
caps, and Suck condoms, coming to a fill-in form near you.
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995
From: Mark Funk
Subject: Not Arnold
X-Suck: How To Read Wired Magazine
Well gee, I can tell you don't like Wired. I admit Wired drives me crazy
every once in a while. But issue 3.09 does NOT have Arnold Schwarzenegger
on the cover, as "How to read Wired magazine" states.
If you read the article, (about non-judgmental media), you'd find that
cover picture was a digitally altered picture of O.J. if he were
Caucasian. Likewise, on the inside, they had a picture of Nicole if she
Guess you must have inhaled too much spray-mount...
Ah, the sad day that Suck editorial policy ("No O.J.") came into conflict with reality. What was it gonna be? All we can say is, don't Bogart the spray-mount, dude.