"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 1 November 1995. Updated every WEEKDAY.

The Suckers Bite

Suck mail is like love letters

without the affection, hate mail

without the drool stains, and

mail bombs without the

bloodshed. And that's on our

bad days. You should see

the great stuff we get when we

really manage to piss you guys



We'll admit it - we're e-mail

junkies. And it's all your

fault. It's rare when twenty

minutes goes by without some

comment landing in our

mailboxes, rarer still when we

don't check our boxes ten to

twenty times in the interim.

Like unrepentant junkheads,

we've found our bliss and scam

hard to keep it coming.


And so what if all that mail is

merely an imitation of

communication? It works for us

at least as often as our verbal

spew works for you. In fact, we

thought we'd share some of the

gems we've collected (and give

ourselves a chance to answer

some we shouldn't have

forgotten). Why haven't you

written us yet?


Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995
From: Rev. Ivan Stang
Subject: Poor Old "Bob"
X-Suck: Hit and Run

Dear Duke,

Thanks for saying something nice (!) about my website.

Isn't it kind of moot, though, to point out whether "Bob" is cool or uncool this year? You guys are probably too young to remember, but this is the EIGHTH TIME the Church has been uncool since 1979. And it never really mattered to us one way or the other, since we don't have any CHOICE in anything we do. Old god damn Pipe-Face calls the shots around here. Blame HIM!!

Will we never understand Bob's ways? Bob woulda been a killer app a year or so ago...he could have RULED the Web. But did he? No. Some Bobbie in the UK put up a trivial rant, and that was more or less it in early '94...almost two years later, you've come to save the Church from being out-netted by the Scientologists, but we have to shake our heads at the lost opportunity. Why, we ask?

Dobbs fucked up in the same way with that implant in the Amiga ROMs...where was the Windows hack? Where? We only fear the forces of Bill are stronger than the forces of Bob when it comes to controlling our primitive technologies...


Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995
From: Nesta Stubbs
Subject: Listen Kid, I wanna Make You A Star!!!!!

Mr. Dunderhead;

I work for a web design firm in Chicago, Cynico Network Consulting, and we're looking for rising talent. The WWW is the up and coming medium for marketing, advertisement and corporate public relations. We have worked with several major firms in the past, designing for them a comprehensive image on the multi-media net web. We feel that you could make hefty contributions to our company, in helping us implement WWW sites for our clients, such as Nancy Reagan, Jesse Jackson, Joe Camel, and many more. We are prepared to make a lucrative offer for your work. If you're interested contact me, please.

We were holding out for the mcdonalds.com gig. Think of it: the Ray Kroc experience in VRML. If we could only be a part of such small wonders...


Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995
From: <@netscape.com>
Subject: The Netscape "What's Cool" Page
X-Suck: "Dear Netscape"

Really sucks. In some ways, it might be best to NOT be on that page.

OK, we'll ask once again (and maybe this should go for Cool Site of the Day, too): what DOES it cost?


Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995
From: Pipehead
Subject: what's the deal?

who are you guys anyway? a bunch of college students with a little free money and too much free time? or are you some sort of bizarre commercial entity that makes money by increasing coverage of media stuff by making fun of it?

back to the pipe...

We'll come clean. For the low, low price of $1000, our little bizarre commercial entity will write review of anything. Guaranteed hits - if not a guaranteed positive review - but it's all about hits, right? Send inquiries to payola@www.suck.com.


Date: Sat, 30 Sep 1995
From: cam villar
Subject: (no subject)

Suck is very interesting, but...who put the bone up YOUR ass?

Hmmm. That would make a great website: "Who put the Bone Up the Duke's Ass?" Like the Mr. Burns site without the Fox tie-in. Better yet, a CD-ROM adventure starring Harvey Keitel as a ne'er-do-well detective whose investigation into the sodomization of the Sucksters leads him into a criminal underworld where "life is cheap...and webwork is cheaper."


From: Sterling Barrett
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995
Subject: puzzler
<td width=500>
<td width=600></td>

Found this somewhere is my travels. What do you suppose it does to Netscape?

We haven't figured this one out yet. It seems that every time we try it, it crashes our browser. We'll keep trying...


Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995
From: Don Hopkins

The one and only Netscape home page, the shining example of state of the art cutting edge, make it up as you go along HTML design that it is, that you get by clicking on the animated Missile Command icon in the upper right corner of the browser, is SYNTACTICALLY INCORRECT! It's missing the left angle bracket before the title:

TITLE<Welcome to Netscape</TITLE>

So the browser displays "TITLE<Welcome to Netscape" in the window header.

Well at least it isn't animated.
ell at least it isn't animated. W
ll at least it isn't animated. We
l at least it isn't animated. Wel
at least it isn't animated. Well ... it could be worse ...

TITLE>Welcome to Netscape
TITLE-Welcome to Netscape
TITL> Welcome to Netscape
TITL- Welcome to Netscape
TIT> Welcome to Netscape
TIT- Welcome to Netscape
TI> Welcome to Netscape
TI- Welcome to Netscape
T> Welcome to Netscape
T- Welcome to Netscape
> Welcome to Netscape
- Welcome to Netscape
Welcome to Netscape

We'll repeat after you: Welcome to Netscape.


Date: Sat, 7 Oct 1995
From: Flyp Doink
Subject: Fritlditlbotlbing.

You guys are neat. I filled my bookmark file with hundreds of Sucks, and got rid of every non-Suckarific reference. I've no need for dumb sites like Yahoo, Lycos or The House of Socks. I have been for- ever spoiled by your Suckfulness, like a clueless tourist holding a newborn bear cub. Now my mom won't even recognize me. She says I smell "Sucky."

Who would've known?

And all before the Suck merchandising campaign goes into full swing! Look soon for tastefully overstated accoutrements to your Suck lifestyle, including Suck t-shirts, Suck baseball caps, and Suck condoms, coming to a fill-in form near you.


Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995
From: Mark Funk
Subject: Not Arnold
X-Suck: How To Read Wired Magazine

Well gee, I can tell you don't like Wired. I admit Wired drives me crazy every once in a while. But issue 3.09 does NOT have Arnold Schwarzenegger on the cover, as "How to read Wired magazine" states.

If you read the article, (about non-judgmental media), you'd find that cover picture was a digitally altered picture of O.J. if he were Caucasian. Likewise, on the inside, they had a picture of Nicole if she were black.

Guess you must have inhaled too much spray-mount...

Ah, the sad day that Suck editorial policy ("No O.J.") came into conflict with reality. What was it gonna be? All we can say is, don't Bogart the spray-mount, dude.

- Sucksters